Dear Dr. Boli: Sometimes the news confuses me. For example, there’s this guy who told the newspapers that the U.S. government had a secret program that was illegally spying on Americans’ communications. The government says it isn’t doing what he said it was doing, and it also says he’s a traitor for revealing what the government isn’t doing, and that authorities are “aggressively pursuing him.” So what is he guilty of? These things confuse me. —Sincerely, Jos. R. Biden.

Dear Sir: First of all, Mr. Snowden, the “guy” of whom you speak, revealed the extent of our government’s surveillance capabilities to our enemies, such as the European Union. This alone is enough to brand him a traitor.

Second, since the government continues to deny that it is making use of those capabilities, and the private communications companies involved deny that the capabilities even exist, Mr. Snowden must have wildly exaggerated his claims in the service of some sinister political agenda of his own.

There is only one word for the use of wild exaggeration to make a political point. In plain speech, Mr. Snowden is guilty of satire. Under the provisions of the PATRIOT act, the penalty for satire is death.


  1. Clay Potts says:

    Headline Just In: “Snowden Snowed In by His Own Snow-job; Department of Homeland Security maintains it’s all a bunch of Hong Kong Phooey!

  2. John M says:

    Didn’t Mr. Snowden’s grandfather serve with Yossarian in Italy during WW2?

  3. Jerry says:

    “First of all, Mr. Biden, . . . “

  4. Where are the Snowdens of yesteryear . . .

    Jeffery Hodges

    * * *

  5. David says:

    Moreover, we now know that the surveillance in which the government is not engaged has averted “dozens” of terrorist attacks from terrorists who, in any case, were not seeking to attack us since the advent of Barack Obama’s presidency. Mr. Snowden is therefore guilty of vacuous truth, and since nature abhors a vacuum, he is also in violation of the natural law.

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