TO: All Employees
FROM: The President
RE: Corporate Personhood

Doubtless you are all aware that, under the laws of the United States, as interpreted by no less an authority than the Supreme Court (which I gather has some influence in these matters), a Corporation is legally a person, with all the rights and privileges attached to that exalted position, although (curiously enough) none of the responsibilities.

The Schenectady Small Arms & Biscuit Co., Inc., is proud to carry on a long tradition of corporate personhood, or “corporate Persephone,” as my spelling checker would like me to write, and I hope you all find that as amusing as I did. We have exercised our right to freedom of speech, for example, by bribing every politician in the Capital District, with the happy result that cookie-control legislation has been defeated every time it was proposed in Albany.

But what good are all our triumphs if the corporation is not treated as a real person? As a legal person, has it not legal feelings? Why, then, is the corporation never invited to any of your children’s birthday parties? After all, the corporation, through its representatives (namely the board and myself), likes ice cream and cake as well as anybody.

The next time your child has a birthday, don’t forget to set a place for the Schenectady Small Arms & Biscuit Co., Inc. You’ll be helping a corporation that means a great deal to all of us feel more like the real person our Supreme Court has said it is. And, in return, the Corporation is inviting you all to its 125th birthday party next Tuesday during your lunch break. Don’t forget to bring a suitable gift.

With Love,
J. Rutherford Pinckney,
President.