NERGAL-SHAREZER THE RABMAG’S ASTROLOGICAL PROGNOSTICATIONS.

Leo. You are struck today by how trivial your life has been so far, and resolve to accomplish something important beginning tomorrow. You are also struck by a falling piano, rendering your resolution redundant.

Virgo. The piano that falls on you today is worth $35,682, which by a bizarre coincidence is all you declared out of the $23,182,914.33 you made on the commodities market last year.

Libra. You just miss being crushed by a falling piano in the 800 block of Penn Avenue, which makes the piano in the 900 block all the more amusing, from a cosmic point of view.

Scorpio. There is a large wad of chewing gum on the sidewalk on Wood Street just past Weldin’s. You notice it well in time to give it a wide berth and step into the shadow of a plummeting piano.

Sagittarius. A tall, dark stranger with a mysterious past seems to be trying to signal you. He is pointing  upward with every sign of extreme agitation. You wave back.

Capricorn. The stars had a message for you in Morse code, but the connection was interrupted. They had spelled out S-T-E-I-N-W-, and then stopped.

Aquarius. Life has taught you many lessons. It has taught you to look twice before crossing the street. It has taught you to fasten your seat belt even for a short trip. It has not taught you to look up whenever you pass luxury condominiums popular with musicians. Too bad about that.

Pisces. Remember how you hated piano lessons when you were a kid? Remember how your mother told you the piano wasn’t going to kill you? She was wrong.

Aries. Some say that Sergei Rachmaninoff knew his way around a piano better than any other man in the past century. Today you will become even more intimately acquainted with a Steinway Model O.

Taurus. Today is the day you’ve been dreading for weeks. You can’t think of any way out of that meeting at 3 p.m., and you’re sure you’re going to make a fool of yourself. Well, the stars have good news and bad news.

Gemini. With Venus in the house of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, today would be an excellent opportunity to begin a new relationship, or to make a fresh start in an old one. Too bad about that piano.

Cancer. You are about to have the worst day you have ever had in your job as shift supervisor at the Excelsior Piano & Organ Hoisting Co., Inc.