Interest rates continue low this week, as bankers and investors continue to find it hard to get enthusiastic about money.

It was revealed today that the secret consortium of investors who finagled the leveraged buyout of the Schenectady Small Arms & Biscuit Co., Inc., last week was made up of the previous owners of the company, each of whom thought he was putting something over on all the others. The SEC is investigating.

The Brenneman Food Service and Industrial Solvents Corp. has increased its quarterly dividend from 2¢ to 2¼¢ following an unusually strong quarter for lard.

KTL Industries shares plummeted this morning after leaked documents revealed that the company manufactures no goods and provides no services. A KTL spokesman said that the company’s business model was “still in the conceptual stage.”

Stock prices fell across the board this afternoon as the entire basis of the capitalist economy was revealed to be fictional. The Dow fell nearly 7 points before rallying to close down 3 points from yesterday.