Before you use your computer, look carefully under your bed. Hackers often hide under your bed to log your keystrokes by listening as you type.

Use a different password for every site that asks for a password. Change your passwords daily. Make sure your password is not a dictionary word, or a personally significant number, or any combination of the two. The longest password is the best. Do not store your passwords in a file on your computer.

If you receive a communication from a member of the Nigerian royal family asking for your assistance in transferring several hundred million dollars out of the country, check Wikipedia first to make sure there is such a country as “Nigeria.” Do not trust your correspondent until you have made this important verification.

If you wish to comment on a blog, write your comment in sepia ink with a steel pen and send it by first-class mail to the site administrator.

When ordering illegal pharmaceuticals or other controlled substances from Eastern European sources, never use your own name. Always give the name of your minister, rabbi, or priest. Tell him to expect a package, but not to open it, because it’s a surprise.

Destroy your keyboard after each Internet session, and begin the next session with a fresh keyboard.

Lock your computer in a rental storage unit at least ten miles from your house. Give the key to someone you trust who is stronger than you, with the instruction not to let you have it no matter how pitifully you beg.

If you have accidentally clicked on a link that redirects to a suspicious Web site, do not panic. Simply pack an overnight bag, walk (do not drive) to the nearest bus station, take the first bus to Iowa, and find a job harvesting soybeans.