To Robert from Isabel: I know I said you were the last person on earth I would ever marry, but that was before I heard you won the lottery. I have come to my senses now.

To Alvin from Henrietta. Could you pick up an axe on the way home? Not a big heavy one. Also, we’re out of rat poison.

To the Girl on the Red Line Car Thursday Evening Just Before Dormont Junction, from the Man in the Grey Suit: You dropped your handkerchief rather ostentatiously. I took it to the Lost and Found in the Port Authority service center, and you may claim it there if you still have any use for it.

Happy Birthday to the man who sits on the bench in front of Schwartz’s Bakery every morning and mutters about Governor Corbett. We’re bringing out a cupcake for you.

To Britney from Mom and Dad: We said “All is forgiven” in yesterday’s Greetings, but we want to clarify that we did not mean to include that thing you said about Aunt Billie’s chihuahua. We have no authority to forgive on behalf of a dog.

To Isabel from Robert: I used to think money couldn’t buy happiness, but it turns out I was mistaken. I don’t need you anymore.

To Walmart from Value City: Why don’t you pick on somebody your own size?

To Madison from your brother: I won’t tell Mom about the fender if you don’t tell Dad how the hedge clippers ended up in the bathtub.