Heaven (Special to the Dispatch).—God has canceled free will for the human species effective immediately, according to a terse communication from the Celestial Department of Human Relations.
“Certain regrettable abuses have made it necessary to withdraw the human attribute of free will. We apologize for any inconvenience this change may cause to our valued subscribers. As this order comes from the Head Office, it is not subject to appeal and has already been implemented in full.”
Analysts say that the move has been in the works for some time. God was reported to have been extremely disappointed with the twentieth century, but was willing to give the twenty-first a chance to prove itself.
“No one who has watched the development of this century can be very surprised by the announcement,” says Dr. Alvin Praggle, Professor of Theology at Duck Hollow University. “The only surprise is that God gave us more than thirteen years.”
As part of the cancellation initiative, God has announced the transfer of his membership from All Saints Orthodox Church in Blandville to the John Calvin Reformed Congregation in Grant Borough.