COOKING FOR ONE.

Here we are again with Herb’s Cooking for One, the show where we cook things guys like to eat. I’m Al, filling in for Herb, who’s supposed to be transferred into rehab any day now, so keep up the momentum there, Herb.

Now, guys like meat, am I right? So today we’re going to do something that’s meat, or at least meat-based. It’s called Salisbury steak, probably named after that town in Maryland that’s just far enough from Ocean City to be inconvenient. Now, Salisbury steak comes in a box like this, where—as you can see by the picture on the box—it lives in a little compartment, along with another compartment for the mashed potatoes and one for these green things, whatever they are. And it says on the box that you should microwave it on high for three minutes.

Well, I suppose that would work. But a microwave isn’t much fun, is it? And anyway, my wife won’t let me touch the microwave after what happened to the baked potatoes. I don’t know what her deal is. I thought they were supposed to be good if you baked them in foil. So I was wrong for once in my life. Big deal.

So we won’t be cooking this in the microwave. Instead, we’re going to do this the guy way. That’s why I’m out here in the back yard. Well, partly because Georgina locked me out of the house, but mostly because we’re going to barbecue this sucker.

So the first thing we have to do is get the grill started. Now, I’ve learned by experience that the secret to getting one of these grills started is lots and lots of lighter fluid, or as I’ve heard some famous cooks call it, “barbecue sauce.” I just use the whole can like this, cause it’s more convenient that way. You can toss the can on, too, cause it’s empty now. Then I get out my lighter like this, and—

Well, I think that might have been a little too much lighter fluid. That’s okay. Live and learn, and I didn’t really like that John Deere cap much anyway. I bet you’ll be seeing that fireball all over YouTube, just like the last one. Somebody even made a music video out of it. But anyway, we’ve got our fire going, so now it’s time to get grilling.

You’re probably going to want a good pair of tongs for this part. Or you could do what I’ve done and tie a spatula to another spatula. Although that doesn’t seem to be working as well as I’d hoped. But, hey, it doesn’t matter if there are grass stains on the outside of the box, because you’re not going to eat the cardboard, are you? Or at least not much of it. You know, if I keep dropping this thing, I’m going to have to give up on these spatulas. Okay, that does it. We’re going with Plan B. I’m just going to pick it up like this, and give it a toss into the flames.

How’s that for aim? Now, it says it should cook in three minutes, so— Whoa! That was fast! I guess that’s what happens when you toss a cardboard box into a roaring fire. But I’m pretty sure I see some cooked meat down there with the melted plastic. So we’ll call that a success.

Well, I think I’m going to wrap up  now, because I just noticed the maple tree above me is on fire, and I’m thinking 911. So until next time, this is Al, saying what Herb always says, which is, Remember, cooking is for guys, too. Georgina! I’m going to need you to unlock this door!