Sir: You know what I really hate? Trees, that’s what. Everywhere you go, trees. It’s like they just pop up out of the ground when you’re not looking. But I know that can’t be true, so somebody must be going around putting them there.

This is by far the most insidious act of terrorism I have ever heard of. Trees shade our lawns and prevent us from surrounding ourselves with the perfect carpet of even green grass that is every American’s right. They block our access to the sun for solar-power purposes, not that “alternative energy” isn’t another terrorist conspiracy, but if it weren’t that would be bad. They drop branches on our cars and fall down on our power lines, crippling our economy and our ability to watch Guy’s Grocery Games. And in the fall they drop their disgusting leaves that blow all over my grass and clog up my lawn mower.

Are we going to let the Islamofascist tree-terrorists win? Not if I can help it! I’ve made my five-acre plot completely tree-free—just five acres of perfect green grass, each blade exactly the same height. But it’s a lot of work. Even with my best efforts, small trees keep springing up along my side of the fence. I think my neighbor, who is suspiciously swarthy, as if he might have some Islamofascist blood in him, must be sneaking over the fence and planting them. His lot is completely infested with trees except for a small patch around his house. Once I went over to his side with a bow-saw to start getting rid of his infestation for him, but my neighbor also has a Rottweiler named Adolf, and it didn’t go well.

This has gone far enough. We have no choice: open war has been declared against us, and we must be vigilant. Only with the full cooperation of upstanding American citizens can we prevent tree terrorism. The next time you see a tree in a place where you don’t think there was one before, call the police and alert them that terrorist activity has been detected in your area. They will doubtless be pleased to know that a few loyal Americans still care about defending our nation against insidious threats.

—Sincerely, Aristides McGink,
Oakmont.