Announcer. Malt-O-Cod, the only malt food drink flavored with real cod-liver oil, presents…

[Music: Simple fanfare.]

Announcer. The Adventures of Common-Sense Man!

[Music: Theme, in and under for…]

Announcer. Common-Sense Man, standing up for all that is good, decent, and practical whenever it is threatened by dogmatism and theoreticism! In his strikingly comfortable khaki slacks and mid-blue polo shirt, Common-Sense Man drives his very practical Toyota Prius at the posted speed limit to arrive within a reasonable time whenever there is danger!

[Music: In full, then out.]

Announcer. As you recall, last week our hero was captured and taken to the underground lair of the Dragon, a fiendish villain bent on destroying the world by fire!

Dragon. So you see, Common-Sense Man, my plan is perfect. There is nothing you can do to stop me. With one press of this button, I shall set off a chain reaction in all the world’s nuclear arsenals, cleansing the earth in a storm of flame! Then the world shall know that I am [reverb] the Dragon.

Common-Sense Man. But how will you and your minions survive?

Dragon. Aha! I have thought of that! Here in this underground bunker, I shall be perfectly secure!

Common-Sense Man. But who’s going to generate your electricity?

Dragon. What?

Common-Sense Man. I mean, you use electricity for everything down here. Where will you get your power when everyone who works at Duquesne Light is dead?

Dragon. Well, I could—I could buy a generator.

Common-Sense Man. You mean the kind that runs on gasoline? Who’s going to refine your oil for you?

Dragon. Um, I.… Okay, smarty-pants,  I’ll go solar! Ha! Didn’t see that coming, did you? I’ll go solar, and then I won’t need Duquesne Light or a generator!

Common-Sense Man. But solar panels need to be replaced every so often. Can you make a solar cell? Did you remember to pick a photoelectric engineer as one of your minions? And batteries wear out even faster than solar cells. Can you make a rechargeable battery out of stuff you have lying around the lair?

Dragon. Well, gee, you kind of take the fun out of everything. I mean, if that’s the way it’s going to be, I might as well go back to managing the Burger Yurt.

Common-Sense Man. Well, now, that’s a very good idea. There are lots of opportunities for practical evil in the fast-food business.

Dragon. Yes. Yes! I could do something really evil with the Burger Yurt! I could… I could put a timer on drive-through transactions, but not on counter sales, and measure employee performance by the timer, so that the entire drive-through line will be cleared before a single walk-in customer is served! That’s evil, isn’t it?

Common-Sense Man. At least it’s not very nice. It’s a good first step. And it’s very practical.

Dragon. Hoho! I see it all now! Nuclear annihilation is for sissies! The real playground of evil is food service!

Announcer. And so once again Common-Sense Man saves the earth from destruction, although at the cost of a certain amount of inconvenience to the lunch crowd. Tune in again next time for more thrilling and edifying adventures of Common-Sense Man!

[Music: Theme, in and under for…]

Announcer. Kids, one thing Common-Sense Man knows is that you can’t start the day without a good breakfast. That’s why he always starts the morning with a great big glass of Malt-O-Cod, the only malt food drink with the delicious flavor of one hundred per cent real cod-liver oil. Then he eats some eggs, toast, and fruit, because the FDA wants us to tell you that. So remember, kids, tell your parents it’s just good common sense to stock up on Malt-O-Cod today!

[Music: In full, then out.]