Political Map of Canada

Part 1.—What to Bring with You.

When planning a visit to our friendly neighbor to the north, you will make your trip much more enjoyable if you stock up on a few essential supplies before you leave.

Money. Canada’s economy is based on a modification of the capitalist system, in which a socialist paradise for Canadian citizens is funded by selling souvenir keychains to American tourists. You should also be aware that Canadians use cartoon money—bills in bright colors and dollar coins called loonies. You will feel much better having real American money in your pocket.

Comfortable clothes. Except in the large cities, Canadians disapprove of uncomfortable clothes.

A curling iron, in case you wish to participate in the Canadian national sport of curling.

A pair of xylophone mallets. You will understand when you get there.

A nice gift for Queen Elizabeth. The Governor General will make sure it gets to her. She likes hats.

Snowshoes. They will give the border guards a good laugh.

Weather. Especially in the winter, most of Canada’s weather escapes across the border to the United States, creating a serious and at times worrying weather deficit in Canada. Canadians will be glad to have some of their weather returned, and may even buy it back from you at inflated prices.

Bacon. Canadian “bacon” is a completely unsatisfactory bacon substitute. Real American bacon can often be used as currency when purchasing souvenir keychains from the bacon-deprived natives.


  1. Joseph Moore says:

    I’m surprised to see that neither a translator nor a sherpa is recommended. I can imagine the sherpa being expendable if one sticks to the 1% of the country currently inhabited and paved, but what is one to make of the discussions of something called ‘hockey’? From what little I can make out, it seems to be what one does when in need of a quick concussion or dental work. I suspect I’m missing something.

    Bacon is a good tip, though. Those poor deprived dears.

  2. John says:

    I thought Canadian Bacon was round because it was some sort of currency, boy was I wrong!

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