Boli Bash Button

Are you tired of running out of those little plastic single-serving coffee doodads for your expensive automatic coffee maker? Do you wish the supply of foie gras in the refrigerator would never end?

Your troubles are over. At least your troubles in regard to the procurement of expensive consumables are over; Dr. Boli makes no promises about that trouble with your Aunt Margaret and the banjolele, about which he promises never to speak again. Simply install the Bash Button where you keep your supplies. When you are running low, you bash the button, and the world’s first intelligent commodity-procurement system swings into action.

What do we mean by “intelligent?” Simply this: the Bash commodity-procurement system is the first such system in the world that intelligently analyzes whether you actually need the commodity in question. Do you really need printer cartridges when you could write a letter with a pen and ink? Do you really need foie gras when you could eat chipped ham? Do you really need little plastic cups with single servings of stale coffee powder when you could have much better and cheaper coffee by grinding it yourself? Probably not.

At his age, Dr. Boli has come to realize that most people in the world today have an unhealthy attachment to material things. Therefore, when you bash the Bash, it is very likely that nothing will happen at all. Think of the money you’ll save!

Currently the Bash program is in beta testing, and participation is by invitation only. If you find a wax-sealed envelope with your name engraved on it in your mailbox, open it at once! It’s your ticket to the next stage in the evolution of home shopping.


  1. Colin says:

    User Review by Colin:

    When I saw the wax-sealed envelope in my mail, it made my day! I’ve always wanted to join the next stage of evolution for any industry, before all the neanderthals find out about it and jump aboard the bandwagon.
    The Boli Bash Button looks just the same as it does in the advertisement (I’ll admit that I was expecting something a bit more three-dimensional), but I decided to immediately put it to use and see how it worked. However, before I could do so I had to read through the 1,535-page Installation and Users’ Guide. It was moderately pleasant reading, somewhat better than a saga written in epic verse by someone just learning to write in English, yet not quite as good (or as long) as the Complete Index of Works by Irving Vanderblock-Wheedle.
    And now I come to my first complaint about the Boli Bash Button: while the Safety section of the Users’ Guide advises that you not affix the Button to any family members or pets, it does not say anything about keeping it away from your own forehead. Not that I would do anything so foolish, but you just know that some kids will see this as a license to stick Boli Bash Buttons to each others’ heads and then proceed to pummel themselves senseless. This is a rather appalling oversight in an otherwise comprehensive Guide.
    However, once I finally got the Boli Bash Button installed (in the pantry, right next to my stash of pierogi stuffings) I noticed an immediate problem: while I was standing there deciding whether or not I really needed something, the door swung closed. Now I am in the dark and can only find the Boli Bash Button by fumbling around the entire pantry, knocking things over and spilling an entire month’s worth of Malt-O-Cod all over the floor! I’ve bashed the button numerous times, and a light fixture has still failed to materialize in my pantry! At what point will the Boli Bash Button decide that I need light?
    I think the Boli Bash Button is being a bit stubborn about what I need at this point, but I think I’ll still keep an open mind and try using it again. That is, once the button decides to call someone in this house so they’ll open the pantry door for me. I think I’ll put it in the library next to my collection of architectural style guides by Bozar the Clown.
    Overall, three stars out five-point-seven-nine.

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