DAILY AFFIRMATIONS FOR SUPERVILLAINS.

Heroes and Villains Week

What the world needs most today is order.

When I am in charge, I will stop this senseless discrimination against the differently sane.

Though I control a vast nuclear arsenal, I trust in my henchmen’s martial-arts skills to defend me.

What others call my “monstrous egotism” is merely a reasonable and informed self-esteem.

My character judgment is infallible, and my underlings are unswervingly loyal.

Although the United Nations could never agree on a protocol for ordering pizza, they will nevertheless accede to my demands unanimously within twenty-four hours.

A self-destruct countdown that cannot be stopped is a feature, not a bug.

The fact that my extravagantly gorgeous daughter has an eye for square-jawed hero types will in no way impede my ultimate victory.

Anger clarifies my judgment.

Reason alone will persuade the hero’s plucky girlfriend that I am a more suitable mate.

You say “psychotic”; I say “perceptive.”

Comments

  1. The Ubiquitous says:

    Herr Doktor,

    I hate to interrupt you in your guise as a mild-mannered publishing tycoon, but it has come to my attention that one of your more cunning super-fool-foes has obtained a chrono-distortion device and sold the tenor of your own ideas to a cut-rate skit comedy show some thirty years in the past. It culminated in a most disastrous result which, sir, is perhaps of interest. It seems your ingenuity is even now being laughed at. I cannot tolerate such an insult to your imperial majesty.

    Is it time to “grill the cheese-and-tomato sandwich?” (cf. page 67, paragraph B, subsection in Bolicode and You, a User’s Guide.)

    Signed,

    Your Unquestionably Loyal Minion

    • Dr. Boli says:

      This other supervillain you mention seems to have no respect for the rules of the game at all. How is a stupid but ruggedly handsome hero to defeat an army of darkness singlehandedly unless the forces of darkness agree to abide by the hallowed traditions of the sport?

  2. Captain DaFt says:

    Pshaw, every intelligent super villain gave up world domination by force as a mugs game years ago.

    Now they’re all CEOs of major corporations and banks.

    We.. ahem, they now control the World’s governments, while leaving them with the illusion of control. Best Minions. Ever!

    Work smarter, not harder!

    • RepubAnon says:

      I’ve got to admit – I never understood why the various supervillians didn’t get big Defense contracts, hire lobbyists, and take over the government the easy way. Now, I see the supervillians had the same thoughts.

  3. RepubAnon says:

    I also suggest reading the “Evil Overlord” list, containing such words of advice as “my ventilation shafts will be too small to crawl through”…
    http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html

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