NOTES ON ETIQUETTE.

It is considered poor form for a gentleman to wear spats to bed.

Clear broth is eaten with a broth sponge, which on a properly set table is placed to the northeast of the soup plate (or southwest in the southern hemisphere).

It is considered gauche to use one’s relatives as human shields when confronting the police. Choose a random stranger instead.

Reigning monarchs are generally permitted only one beheading at each formal state dinner, except in cases of insurrection.

In greeting a United States Senator at a public function, a citizen is allowed one sarcastic remark. Remember that other people are standing in line.

When a gentleman addresses a lady with whom he is not acquainted as “babe,” it is permissible for the lady to take steps to ensure that the gentleman shall not reproduce.

Although asparagus may be eaten with the fingers, at formal functions it is usually served with a pair of long-nosed pliers.

Comments

  1. Joseph Moore says:

    These helpful tips have saved me a world of embarrassment.

    Not to be a pest, but, on less formal but not casual occasions, such as family birthdays to which a state senator, judge or circus barker has been invited, is it permissible to serve asparagus with lineman’s pliers? Can’t seem to locate my long-nosed, and flat-nosed or vise-grip seem, I don’t know, gauche.

    Thanks again.

  2. “It is considered poor form for a gentleman to wear spats to bed.”

    Good advice! I always try to settle a spat with my wife before going to bed.

    Jeffery Hodges

    * * *

  3. Ben Ieghn says:

    “It is considered gauche to use one’s relatives as human shields when confronting the police. Choose a random stranger instead.” – Unless of course one’s relative is a U.S. Senator or a Reigning Monarch…

  4. Some of these are anachronistic–I can only just remember last time I saw a broth sponge at a table setting. I said, Uh-oh! This dinner’s to posh for me by half! Others have to be take on a case by case basis, when I sleep 10 to the bed with my brothers (and one cousin) I only *wish* they’d left their spats on; their stockings keep me wide awake till the wee hours.

  5. Maypo says:

    An overly chatty dinner neighbor may be distracted by hanging a demitasse spoon from the tip of one’s nose.

  6. If someone has polluted your plate with asparagus, is it permissible to dispose of it with those long-handled pliers?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *