As President and CEO of Thaddeus Olsen Publishers, I am proud to announce today that work has begun on the new Traditional American Version of the Bible, expected to be completed some time next week.

In keeping with our commitment to traditional American Christian values, the TAV will be the first translation of the Bible supported by product placements.

Capitalism is, of course, God’s favored economic system, and the work of the translation committee must be paid for. Product placements provide us with the funding to ensure quality work, without resort to the shoddy and exploitative Indonesian translation sweatshops that produced (for example) the New American Bible.

No American will object to a few additional beatitudes, and good American companies with wares to hawk will be delighted to hear their products endorsed by Christ himself.

Perhaps even more effective (and thus available at a correspondingly higher price) is our negative endorsement plan, in which you may choose to have your competitor’s product denounced by your favorite Old Testament prophet. Imagine the drop in sales as customers remember Jeremiah’s stirring words, “Woe to you, O buyers of Cleanse-O! How long will it be before you are made clean?”

There is still plenty of room for endorsements. All this week we are having a special sale on genealogies in I Chronicles.

But you must act now. Do not allow your competitors to monopolize the attention of the sincerely religious. Call the Thaddeus Olsen Product Placement Office today and assure your product a place among the elect.

——Yours sincerely,
Thaddeus Olsen IV