Sir: Your editorial entitled “More Research Needed on CPT” strongly implies that, as you put it in so many words, “the jury is still out” on the benefits of Cranial Percussion Therapy. This demonstrates an almost incredible level of ignorance about the origin and history of CPT. Unlike Western so-called medicine, CPT has been trusted and applied for thousands of years in ancient cultures all over the world. It has a proven millennia-long record of success that no supposedly “scientific” treatment can match. Every mother who has ever taken it upon herself to smack some sense into her child has administered CPT in its most ancient and therefore most effective form, making a record of literally billions of case studies unmatched by any other therapy.

Clearly your editorial writers are in the pay of the multibillion-dollar pharmaceutical industry, whose profits are threatened whenever a simple alternative to expensive chemicals enters the popular consciousness. Most humans are gifted with two good hands, which the benevolent Creator clearly designed for the effective administration of CPT. For stubborn cases, good stout sticks are easily found in any patch of woodland, where their very abundance shows that Nature intended them to be taken up and used. These tools are freely available, and need only a properly licensed Cranial Percussion Therapist to administer the treatment at $429.95 per twenty-minute session. That is why the profit-motivated pharmaceutico-medical industry fights CPT tooth and nail.

Yet somehow I expect better from a paper of the Dispatch’s glorious history and once-sterling reputation. It disappoints me that even your paper, which fearlessly uncovered and reported the great Styrofoam-cup procurement scandal in the prothonotary’s office in 1975, would swallow the treacle doled out by the evil drug lords who control our allopathic medical establishment. I don’t know who this “jury” of yours is, or why they would still be “out” on an issue where the truth is so clear as to be undebatable, but it’s perfectly obvious that they could all use a good smacking.

Raymond Purblind Oxenfarmer,
Baldwin Township


  1. Yeah, when will people get it through their thick skulls that CPT works?

  2. RepubAnon says:

    Researcher Terry Prachett reported on the efficacy of retro-phrenology several years ago. Retro-phrenology combines the science of phrenology (personality analysis by examining the location and size of the lumps on one’s skull) with CPT: a properly-trained retrophrenologist can correct your personality defects by GIVING you lumps in the appropriate locations on your skull…

  3. Personally, I find that SKITA works better than CPT. The real problem is not that people don’t know, it’s that they’re just too darned lazy, so they concoct excuses like, “Oh, I don’t understand.” That’s when the CPT gets applied, and it does work, but to get to the seat of the problem, which is laziness (“Oh, I’m too busy,” they always say), giving the subject a SKITA works even better. I’d be happy to demonstrate how a swift kick works, but I wouldn’t know where to begin with a public demonstration, and I don’t have the time anyway.

    Jeffery Hodges

    * * *

  4. markm says:

    I am curious about the name “Raymond Purblind Oxenfarmer”. Is he a purblind farmer of oxen, or a farmer of purblind oxen?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *