A new study by scientists at Duck Hollow University shows a direct correlation between nasal-related inquiries and the alarming rise in business-school graduates in fields like health care and education.
According to the study, which followed three thousand subjects from birth to the age of thirty-two, babies who are repeatedly asked “Where’s your nose?” are 2.6 times more likely to pursue degrees in business administration than children the location of whose noses is never called into question during infancy.
Professor Alexander Hogwhistle, who directed the study, says that the result is “a clear warning” to new parents.
“The most pressing problem facing civilization today is the multiplication of business-school graduates in positions where they are likely to cause grave harm,” he said. “Our study shows that parents are responsible for the damage.”
Prof. Hogwhistle suggested that parents who are tempted to ask their babies “Where’s your nose?” should make an effort to formulate a more interesting question, such as “Where’s Maquoketa, Iowa?”
Prof. Hogwhistle ended with a plea directed specifically to local businesses.
“We have three thousand middle-aged interns looking for work now that the study is completed,” he said. “The experience they gained following our subjects during the study might make them especially suitable for positions as private detectives.”