Sir: My daughter Chamaecrista came home from school last week and told me her math teacher said they were going to use Arabic numerals for everything in math class.

Well, I guess the terrorists have won. Good old American numbers were just fine when I was growing up, but I guess now the Islamofascist socialist Nazis on the school board want our kids to learn to hate America and everything it stands for.

Wake up, people! Can’t you see that getting Arabic numerals into our classrooms was just a dry run? If we didn’t object, then those Arabs would come at us with their “algebra” and other unnatural perversions. That’s what happens when you let down your guard for an instant.

Fortunately the school principal is my brother-in-law Alf, so I went straight to him, and he agreed to send that teacher straight to a detention camp in Guantanamo Bay. Of course, after her lawyer got involved, it somehow got changed to early retirement with full pay and a masseur named Bjorn in a beachfront cottage in the U. S. Virgin Islands, but that’s lawyers for you. The important thing was that we showed her the terrorists can’t win. Not while I’m around.

——Sincerely, James XIV, Legitimate King of England of the House of Stuart