NOW YOU KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYTHING.

A page from the Bible, translated into Latin from the original Irish.

What question do you have about history? No matter: there is one answer: the Irish.

Who founded civilization? The Irish.

Who wrote the Bible? The Irish.

Who discovered America? The Irish.

Who built the Pyramids in Egypt? The Irish.

Who built any random landmark of ancient architecture you can think of? The Irish.

What people were once the rulers and masters of the whole earth? The Irish.

We have all these answers because of a book that, unaccountably, has not reached the attention of mainstream academic historians, but appears to be enjoying a resurgence of popularity among alternative historians, by which Dr. Boli means historians who are wrong. The book is Irish Wisdom Preserved in Bible and Pyramids, by Conor MacDari, and the title already hints at the riches inside. For more hints, here are some of the chapter titles:

The Compact of Rome and England for the Conquest of Ireland

The Bible an Irish Book Altered and Adapted by British-Roman Transcribers

Hebrew a Sacerdotal Dialect Improvised from the Irish Language for the Secret Use of the Priests

The Irish the First Cultural Nation, the Earliest Missionary Teachers, and the Great Temple Builders of the Ancient World

The Four-Pyramid Group and Sphinx, Designed and Erected to Symbolize Man

Every Irish priest is in on the conspiracy to keep the Irish people in the dark about their true history. You want proof? The author has proof:

The writer, in discussing matters with a priest, happened to refer to Irish literature. He said, “The Irish have no literature.” When asked why, he answered, “I cannot speak. My lips are sealed.” We are satisfied that Irish Roman Catholic priests have always been aware of this fraud.

How can you argue with proof like that? We have a second-hand report of an Irish priest who flat-out didn’t say that there was a mighty conspiracy! If you demand more proof than that, you simply do not understand how mighty conspiracies work.

It was very annoying to Dr. Boli that, although many reprint publishers offer facsimiles of this book for sale, he could not find it in any of the usual on-line libraries—except in the form of a very ugly PDF created by some user from a text file and uploaded to the Internet Archive. And thank you to that user, by the way, because even an ugly PDF took a good bit of work, and an ugly PDF is much better than no copy at all.

It is an old cliché to say that following a certain doomed endeavor is like watching a train wreck. But following the reasoning in this book is like watching two trains collide on a high bridge that is simultaneously blown up by anarchists while being hit by a tornado. It is, in other words, a spectacle not to be missed.

This book has inspired Dr. Boli to begin a page in his Eclectic Library devoted to what is euphemistically described as “alternative history,” but which Dr. Boli prefers to call Wrong History.

Comments

  1. RepubAnon says:

    And the English were the culprits!

    From the BBC: What we can learn from conspiracy theories
    (https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20200522-what-we-can-learn-from-conspiracy-theories)


    From alien lizard rulers to shark attacks instigated by spies and elaborate multi-billion-dollar hoaxes, the menagerie of conspiracy theories in existence is so bizarre, the reasons some take off – and others vanish without a trace – may seem almost random. There’s even a conspiracy theory about how conspiracy theories were invented (in keeping with the standard conspiracy formula, the CIA were allegedly involved).

    Conspiracy theories have all the elements of a good story – terrifying villains, creative plots, and moral lessons. Because of this, a well-constructed conspiracy can have a powerful hold on the public imagination, in a way that a narrative about a “virus emerged entirely unpredictably and killed thousands for no reason” is unlikely to be able to rival.

  2. Colin says:

    To combat the current plague of pseudo-history, might we expect the imminent arrival of additional chapters from Dr. Boli’s Complete History of the World? Your 24th and final chapter ends the story a bit prematurely with the dawn of the Age of Pittsburgh. My World History students keep asking me if anything interesting happens after this key event, and I’m running out of excuses.

    Your obedient servant,
    Colin

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