Dear Dr. Boli: As a young voter doing my best for the country I love, I must confess that I was a little confused by the choices that faced me in this, my first election. Do you think you could help me understand the positions of the various parties? —Sincerely, Britney, a student at Pennsylvania University of California.
Dear Madam: It gives Dr. Boli great pleasure to assist a young patriot in understanding the mysteries of the democratic process. He hopes that his explanations will help you and many other young voters make responsible choices in future elections.
The Democratic Party believes that most problems can be solved by government.
The Republican Party believes that most problems can be solved by government, provided that the government is run by Republicans.
The Tea Party believes that most problems can be solved by government, and specifically the problem of too much government.
The Libertarian Party believes that government should be operated for the benefit of a small privileged class of business leaders.
The Socialist Workers Party believes that government should be operated for the benefit of a small privileged class of union leaders.
The Green Party believes that nothing should be red or blue.
The Bull Moose Party believes that it is still 1912.
Dr. Boli is confident that, armed with this information, you will be in a very good position to make responsible political decisions in the future. He encourages you not to lose heart if the party you choose sometimes loses at the polls, assuring you, from the point of view of his uniquely long experience, that the end result will be much the same either way.