Xi Jinping, General Secretary, Chinese Communist Party: The congratulations of the Chinese people to President-Elect Biden. As majority stakeholders in your illustrious nation, we look forward to a continued close partnership on global and regional affairs, and we should like to extend an Introductory Offer of 0% interest for the first six months on new debts incurred during the first year of your administration.
Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister, Canada: Cool. We had, like, a really sucky relationship with that other dude, so this is gonna be groovy.
Vladimir Putin, President, Russian Federation: We look forward to cooperating with the legitimately constituted authorities in the United States in the investigation of the Biden crime family. Our agent Katinka may have some evidence that might interest you.
Volodymyr Zelensky, President, Ukraine: You’ve been here, right? Ukraine is the one east of Poland, south of Belarus, west of Russia, north of the Black Sea. Just wanted to make sure we had that straight.
Ram Nath Kovind, President, India: Congratulations to our sister Kamala, the first Indian-American Vice President of the United States! Your career is truly pathbreaking! You are an inspiration to all of us! And tell Joe we remember him from 2013.
Andrew Holness, Prime Minister, Jamaica: Congratulations to our sister Kamala, the first Jamaican-American Vice President of the United States! Your career is truly pathbreaking! And there was some other guy I was supposed to mention, but I can’t remember his name.
Faustin-Archange Touadéra, President, Central African Republic: Yeah, we got our own troubles.
Kim Jong-un, Precious Little Leader, Democratic People’s Republic of Korea: We look forward to a productive relationship and to not raining down an apocalyptic firestorm from hell on your cities.
Cyril Ramaphosa, President, Republic of South Africa and 10 Other Official Names: We are delighted to welcome President-Elect Biden, and we hope that his election signals the readmission of the United States to our exclusive little club of stable democracies.
Elizabeth, by the Grace of God Queen of Antigua and Barbuda, Australia, the Bahamas, Barbados, Belize, Canada, Grenada, Jamaica, New Zealand, Papua New Guinea, Saint Kitts and Nevis, Saint Lucia, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, the Solomon Islands, Tuvalu, and the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland: We have always felt a parental concern for our straying children, and we should like to assure them that, should their adolescent experiment with republicanism lose its appeal, there is always room under our crown for one more.