Thank you for purchasing Paradise brand Himalayan Green Tea. It is nearly impossible to escape from the fact that natural green tea provides a guarantee for healthier life. Our billboards all over the city are designed specifically to be inescapable. Our Urban Canvassing Agents will round you up and make you read them. You will not escape the Paradise brand Himalayan Green Tea Festival of Unsubstantiated Health Claims.

Green Tea and Obesity

With the use of green tea, the metabolic system of the body becomes better. Green tea literally melts away fat, as is proved by our own laboratory experiments in which green tea at proper serving temperature of 180° Fahrenheit was poured over lumps of butter. It is a fact that a diet consisting only of green tea reverses obesity in even the most stubborn cases.

Green Tea and Heart Diseases

Heart disease is the number-one killer of people who die from heart disease. Green tea prevents death from heart disease, as you may demonstrate by asking yourself a simple question: Have you ever personally known anyone who died of heart disease while drinking green tea?

Green Tea and Blood Pressure

Our Urban Canvassing Agents, dressed in plain clothes and scattered throughout the city, are trained to argue the health benefits of green tea for hours if necessary with increasing belligerence. By acquiescing at once, you will lower your blood pressure almost immediately.

Green Tea and Falling Objects

Large bales of Paradise brand Himalayan Green Tea, placed properly around and above the subject, have a preventative effect against damage from falling objects.

Green Tea and Cancer

Green tea contains antioxidants, powerful cancer-preventing chemicals. Cancer, according to medical professionals who asked to remain anonymous, is simply a medical term for the body rusting. By consuming the antioxidants in green tea, you will make your body immune to oxidation (cancer). Try it on your car, too.

Green Tea and Death

Death is merely an advanced symptom of the diseases prevented or eliminated by green tea. By drinking green tea at the recommended dosage of three or more cups per day, you will make yourself immune to all diseases, and thus immortal. This is, of course, the goal of Paradise Brands Ltd., as we thrive on repeat business.


  1. Occasional Correspondent says:

    I can scarce believe it, Paradise has omitted one of the principal diseases which their product can cure.  I speak, of course, of Low Tea.  The many fine educators who speak on the Commercial Messages on the wireless warn us against this dread malady.  Nothing simpler for the prevention of Low Tea than consuming Tea in large quantity. 

    But wait, there’s more!  Paradise Green Tea is injection-free — no needles!

  2. Sr. Ivy says:

    Also helpful with Low Pee.

  3. Colin says:

    Is Paradise brand Himalayan Green Tea available in homeopathic increments? Asking for a friend.

    • RepubAnon says:

      One can easily create a homeopathic version of Paradise brand Himalayan Green Tea by simply pouring more hot water into the original teapot – but not adding more tea. Keep doing this until you achieve immortality…

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