AL’S COMPUTER STUFF FOR GUYS.

Hi, everybody, and, well, here we are, and it’s a brand-new show. This is Al, by the way. A lot of you probably know me from where I fill in for Herb on Herb’s Cooking for One. But Georgina kept saying I should get a real job, so I said fine, and I went to the network and told them to give me my own show, and they told me, no, they don’t need another show from me, and the only reason I’m doing Cooking for One is because Herb is the second cousin once removed of the CEO of the oil company that owns the network, and Herb wanted me, and his cousin said they had to take me. So I said fine, which I seem to say a lot, and I asked the teenager next door how you do one of those on-line video things, and he said it was just like what I do for Herb’s show, but more professional. So here I am. I don’t really know much about how this site works, but if you see a button that says “Send Al money,” click on it.

Anyway, for our first episode, we’re going to upgrade the memory in this laptop. Memory is the stuff your computer uses to remember stuff, like where it put its car keys. Ha ha! The kid next door said people like it if you use humor in these videos. Actually, I have no idea what your computer uses memory for. I don’t think it has car keys. But they say it’s the first thing you should upgrade if you’re having performance issues. The kid next door said that, and he said I should use his joke about Canadian pharmacies, too, but I forgot what it was.

I was going to upgrade Georgina’s computer, but she used some language I didn’t know she knew and told me what would happen if I took her computer apart again, so I’m doing mine instead. Now, upgrading the memory is dead simple, which I know because I watched some guy doing it in an on-line video. But he wasn’t as entertaining as I am. He had the same brand of computer, though, so I know exactly what I’m doing. So first we need a clean workspace, which I’m making right now. I just have to brush the utility bills and potting soil off the dining-room table here, and there we are: clean workspace. Now we turn the computer upside-down like this. If you turn Georgina’s computer upside-down, you find a label on the bottom panel that says “DON’T EVEN THINK IT, BUSTER,” and some day I’ll tell you the story of how I know that. So we set it down here, and we have ten screws to unscrew.

So I have this little precision screwdriver here that I got at the dollar store in a set of ten precision screwdrivers, and this is the one that looks like it will fit these screws best. So I put it in the screw and turn like this. Well, I try to turn, anyway. How are you supposed to get a grip on this thing? Man, they put these screws in tight.

You know what? This screwdriver needs a better grip. And I know just the thing for it. I have this roll of masking tape right here that I was going to use with the potting soil for another project, and I’ll just take off a piece of it like this—well, that didn’t work. Who makes this stuff, anyway? They can’t call it “contractor grade” if it keeps ripping off in little triangles like this. I’ll just stick this one on the handle here, and then get a—well, darn, I still can’t get a strip of it. Am I going to have to rip off eighty-five little triangles of masking tape just to get a big enough wad for this screwdriver? Oh, there we go. About time. Now I just roll it around the handle like this. Well, somehow that all ended up on my finger. I think I had the sticky side facing the wrong way.

Well, forget this. Who needs precision screwdrivers anyway? This is what power tools are for. Here’s my trusty drill, right where I left it in the bag of potting soil, and I’ve got a Phillips-head bit for it. It’s a bit big for these screws, but the power will more than make up for that. We’ll just

[————inaudible————]

looks more like a hole than a screw now, doesn’t it? But still, we got the screw out. I think we vaporized it. Now I just have to do that nine more times, so you might want to hold your ears for this part.

[————inaudible————]

Okay, see, that saved some time. We were going to have to pry the back off with a screwdriver or crowbar or something, but since it broke in two pieces while we were getting that last screw out, we don’t have to worry about prying. And I can replace it with a piece of tin foil or something like that.

Wow, look at all the little parts in here. They should have these things clearly labeled. This one is the hard drive or “fan,” as some people call it, and this one is the— Well, it might be some sort of pulley. But the memory is this flat card thing here right in the middle. And all you have to do is pull back on these two levers, like this, and it pops right up. You just pull back on these two levers like this. And it… You just pull back on these two levers, and it pops right—

Whoa! Look at it go! And it landed right in the potting soil. Well, memory has silicon in it, and silicon is sand, so I’ll just use that part for potting cactus plants. By the way, you need some kind of full-body armor when you’re potting cactus plants. I learned that yesterday. Anyway, we got rid of the old memory, and all we have to do now is slip the new memory into that thingy with the spring. So I just take it like this, and push it in here, and— no, that’s backwards. I have to pull back on these— Whoa! Right into the potting soil again. Well, I’d better go get this one.… Okay, so I put it in like this. No the other way. No, I guess that was the right way. Now, I don’t want to have this flying across the dining room again, so I’m going to take this hammer and make sure it’s lodged in good… and… tight… like…

Well, that sort of made a hole in the plastic thingy that the memory card was attached to. But anyway, the memory is in there good and solid. Now, on the other video, the guy showed the computer booting up with its new memory, but that was boring, and anyway I frankly don’t think it’s going to happen, so we’ll skip that part, and I’ll go down to Best Buy and see what laptops they have on sale.

That’s it for now. Join me next time when we learn how to connect to a printer. I won’t spoil it for you, but I will say there are some pretty big power tools involved. So until then this is Al saying so long, and happy bits and bytes. There, kid, I came up with a signoff catch phrase. Are you happy?