ASTROLOGICAL RESOLUTIONS FOR THE NEW YEAR,

Generously Provided by Nergal-Sharezer the Rabmag.

Capricorn. You resolve to take up a healthier diet. For Capricorn, that might mean tin cans and old shirts.

Aquarius. Those old records in the basement still have a lot of good music in them. You resolve to leave them in the basement for another year, because somebody might want them eventually.

Pisces. This year, you resolve not to repeat the mistakes of last year. Unfortunately you spent all of last year drunk, so you can’t remember any of them.

Aries. This year, when Venus comes into your house, you resolve not to insult her the way you did the last time.

Taurus. You resolve to avoid china shops.

Gemini. Last year you resolved to lose ten pounds. How did that work out? That’s what the stars thought. This year you resolve to lose those ten pounds for real, plus the fifteen you gained last year.

Cancer. You resolve to push forward with your plans for world domination. You will be encouraged by your eighteen followers on Twitter.

Leo. This year you resolve to build a garden shed. The world needs more garden sheds. Next year you can resolve to plant a garden.

Virgo. You resolve to make a daily schedule that you can actually follow this year. It will include an hour a day for moping.

Libra. This year you resolve to enjoy nature more. Go sailing! Ride your bicycle through the Great Allegheny Passage! Climb Mount Katahdin! Or, you know, look out the window and glance at a starling.

Scorpio. You resolve to be yourself this year, because you’ve decided that everything that’s wrong with the world is other people’s fault.

Sagittarius. This year you resolve to give more to the people who have made your life better. It is very easy to support Nergal-Sharezer the Rabmag on Patreon.