Q. I have a loaf of sourdough bread that sat in a paper bag for about a month between the couch cushions, where I finally found it this afternoon, along with a buffalo nickel, the remote control for a TV we never owned, and this kind of box thing with two carrying poles and a couple of carved cherubim on top. The bread had hardened to the point where it was impervious to a bread knife. I thought I might make bread pudding out of it, but, as I might have mentioned earlier, it had hardened to the point where it was impervious to a bread knife. Is there some sort of proper baker’s tool that could easily reduce this hardened loaf to crumbs the proper size for bread pudding?

A. No well-equipped kitchen should be without a proper baker’s mallet, as illustrated below. It should have a head of either wood or rubber, and should be of the type used to induce and subsequently cure amnesia in animated cartoons and silent comedy shorts. This is the only proper tool for the job.

Do not discard the box thing with two carrying poles and a couple of carved cherubim on top. Properly directed (the lid should be opened away from the user), it can be used to melt cheese or chocolate very expeditiously, and will be found useful in many recipes.


  1. The Shadow says:

    I’m not sure opening the box away from the user protects against boils and plagues of mice, though.

  2. RepubAnon says:

    Plus, it can quickly vacuum your kitchen! NOTE: First close all cabinets, and wear your Joo Janta 200 Super-Chromatic Peril Sensitive Sunglasses before opening the lid.

  3. But seriously folks . . .

    This paper is the sort of thing I tried to do in my scholarly work, but since I wasn’t taken seriously most of the time and never found an academic home beyond places that wanted me as an English teacher, I stopped taking myself seriously and now just surf the internet and drop unserious comments on websites celebrated and uncelebrated.

    Jeffery Hodges

    * * *

    • Dr. Boli says:

      The world of scholarship and English-for-Koreans has lost, but the world of Internet comments has gained. Thus the great metaphorical wheel keeps turning, and the Internet continues to roll over every serious endeavor like the car of Juggernaut. (A Juggernaut is a sailor with a drinking problem who should not be allowed to drive.)

      • Maypo says:

        Ah, if only the Internet deserved our eloquent commentary. Will Someone please stop the hemorrhaging that is draining out of our culture?

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