ASK DR. BOLI.

Dear Dr. Boli: My nephew was asking me why slavery was objectively bad, and I couldn’t think of an articulate reason off the top of my head. So I smacked him. But why is slavery objectively bad? —Sincerely, Jefferson Davis (no relation).

Dr. Boli: Slavery is evil because it is not right for one human being to have godlike power over another. In the wise and mysterious plan of creation, such power is meant to be wielded only by major corporations. If slavery were allowed, it would interfere with the corporate world’s ability to reduce us all to a state of abject and profitable peonage: it would deprive a whole class of persons of the ability to purchase manufactured consumer goods and electronic services that come with binding non-negotiable “agreements” to which we agree simply by using the goods or services.

Dr. Boli is sorry to disappoint you if you thought there was a moral argument against slavery. Perhaps there is, but it has not been found relevant.

Comments

  1. “Slavery is evil because it is not right for one human being to have godlike power over another. In the wise and mysterious plan of creation, such power is meant to be wielded only by major corporations.”

    But isn’t a corporation, much like a human being, an individual person (albeit, potentially immortal)?

    Jeffery Hodges

    * * *

    • Dr. Boli says:

      It is an individual person, but not a human person. Human beings can be imprisoned or terminated if they exercise their unalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness in an incorrect manner. There is no imprisonment or capital punishment for corporations. This tells us that human life is not nearly as valuable as corporate life.

      • KevinT says:

        Methinks Dr. Boli has overstated his case. Capital punishment was meted out to Arthur Anderson, which sounds like a human being but was in fact a non-human entity. Numerous other instances of individual, non-human persons being terminated can be discovered with a quick search of the interwebs.

  2. Maypo says:

    Of course, slavery is morally licit in the service of major global corporations. Just ask your friendly Muslim Chinese citizen working “for” your shoe and device manufacturer.

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