Our correspondent “Big Brother” writes: Perhaps I could take this opportunity to ask a question which I have been wondering for the last few weeks…as a Pennsylvania man, where does the good Dr. Boli stand on the Wawa vs. Sheetz controversy?
Dear Sir: Dr. Boli believes that, as controversies go, it is lacking in color. Think of the controversies, for example, that led to the expulsion of one artist after another from the Surrealists, or the mighty kerfuffle that ensued when one of the members of De Stijl discovered the diagonal. Those were colorful controversies—incomprehensible, but colorful. Consider the controversy between Newton and Leibniz over who had taken the last blueberry yogurt from the refrigerator. Or it may have been about the invention of calculus. Either way, it was a controversy worth giving some attention, because the characters were colorful and distinct, whereas Dr. Boli has never learned to tell one convenience store from another. Consider Luther and Erasmus and their comprehensive catalogues of the various shades of excrement as they apply to the theological reasoning of one’s opponent. Consider St. Nicholas of Myra slapping Arius in a solemn council of the whole Church. Consider the legal case of Helen Kane vs. Betty Boop.
At any rate, there is only a relatively small area where there can be controversy. Wawa does not penetrate as far as Pittsburgh, and Sheetz does not reach Philadelphia with its octopus tentacles. When Dr. Boli does travel through the small section of Pennsylvania where the two overlap, it is usually by private railroad car, and if stops are necessary to replenish the supplies, the staff have instructions to buy only from certain Deitsh farmers with whom we are personally acquainted.