Announcer. And now Malt-O-Cod, the only malt food drink flavored with real cod-liver oil, presents…
(Music: Fanfare)
Announcer. The Adventures of Sir Montague Blastoff, Interplanetary Space Dragoon!
(Music: Theme, in and under for…)
Announcer. As you remember, last week we left Sir Montague and Colonel Darling at the very edge of the universe. This week, they’re still there, about to become the first human beings ever to travel outside the universe and into the void!
Col. Darling. But, Monty, how can the universe even have an edge?
Sir Montague. Everything has an edge, my dear.
Col. Darling. But I thought the universe was, you know, everything.
Sir Montague. Yes, exactly. And the edge of the universe is the boundary between everything and nothing. Just think of it, Colonel: we’ll be the first human beings to see everything from the outside.
Col. Darling. But if we take our ship into the nothing…
Sir Montague. Which of course we shall do without flinching.
Col. Darling. Of course. I mean, I don’t even know the meaning of the word “flinch.”
Sir Montague. That’s the spirit, old girl.
Col. Darling. No, I mean really. Is it some kind of bird? That’s the best I can figure. Did you bring your dictionary with you?
Sir Montague. I’m afraid it’s back in the office.
Col. Darling. But what’s outside the universe?
Sir Montague. Nothing, my dear. Everything that’s something is part of the universe. We’ll be going into a complete void.
Col. Darling. But if we go into the nothing, won’t we be something?
Sir Montague. Don’t overthink it, my dear. You’ll give the writers heartburn. Are you ready to enter the void?
Col. Darling. Ready for anything with you by my side, Monty!
Sir Montague. Jolly Good! Then here we go.
(Sound: Silence.)
Col. Darling. Well, that was anticlimactic. Now what?
Sir Montague. Now we travel some distance outside the universe and turn around to get some good pictures. Did you bring your Brownie?
Col. Darling. Of course. But if I took a picture out here, wouldn’t it just look like I left the lens cap on? —But wait a minute, Monty! What’s that up ahead?
Sir Montague. I have no idea. I thought there was nothing here, but… It looks like some sort of large building. Or perhaps a sort of interconnected complex of buildings.
Col. Darling. Look, Monty! It’s Ganymede Mall! You remember, it used to be the hottest shopping center on Ganymede, but it closed years ago when I was a teenager! I mean, not that I’m not still a teenager, but…
Sir Montague. I say, Colonel, there’s another one beyond it!
Col. Darling. It’s the Tethys Galleria! That one just closed a year ago! And there’s another one over there that says “Century III”! And another one after that! Why, there must be hundreds of them stretching into the void!
Sir Montague. But you see what this means, don’t you, Colonel? We’ve finally solved the mystery of what happens to shopping malls when they die!
Col. Darling. It’s kind of creepy. Don’t you think we should be turning around?
Sir Montague. Certainly not! We can’t miss this opportunity to explore a real live dead mall. Brace for docking, Colonel!
(Music: Theme, in and under for…)
Announcer. Will Sir Montague and Colonel Darling survive the utter emptiness that is an abandoned shopping mall? Don’t miss next week’s exciting episode: Void after Thirty Days! Till then, kids, remember that children who drink Malt-O-Cod daily are 37% less likely to succumb to existential despair before they’re sixteen. And right now, for a limited time only, in honor of Sir Montague’s trip past the edge of the universe, you’ll find nothing in specially marked packages—absolutely free! So don’t forget to make your parents’ lives miserable until they cough up a lousy three bucks for a jar of delicious Malt-O-Cod. It’s the malt food drink that’s brain food!
(Music: In full, then out.)