Sir: This is all your fault. I have heard some blame the phase of the moon, but I do not believe it. Others have hinted that the Empress Irene was to blame, but a man must be singularly lacking in gallantry to make such an assertion. A few squirrely old scholars have told me that it all goes back to Alexander Pope, but their arguments were specious and unconvincing. The Republicans, of course, blame it on Heraclitus, and the Democrats on Anaxagoras, but to use such a catastrophe for political gain is beneath me. One or two orthodontists of my acquaintance have blamed U Thant, but they would, wouldn’t they? And of course the electricians blame Robert Mugabe, but I have it on good authority that he has an alibi. No, this is your fault and no one else’s, and under the circumstances I must regretfully cancel my subscription.

—Sincerely, The Man Over There with His Left Shoe on His Head.