Announcer. Tonight the Yohogania Electric Light Company, powering your overindulgent existence, presents a world-premiere dramatic event: the first episode of The Postapocalypticon!

[Music: Dramatic theme, in and under for…]

Announcer. Yes, it’s the much-anticipated post-apocalyptic drama that follows the fortunes of Irv and Ike, proprietors of Irv ’n’ Ike’s Truck Stop ’n’ Souvenir-O-Rama, as they navigate the post-apocalyptic hellscape that their world has become after an apocalyptic event. Tonight’s action-packed world-premiere first episode begins the story right at the beginning.

[Sound: Long, drawn-out apocalyptic blast.]

Irv. Welp, guess that’s about it for civilization.

Ike. Yup.


Irv. You know what I ain’t gonna miss? Texts. People textin’ me all day and night, makin’ my phone go bing cause they don’t know how to keep their textin’ fingers to theirselves. That’s what I ain’t gonna miss.


Ike. An’ phone scammers.

Irv. Yeah, like that girl that keeps callin’ and wantin’ me to re-up the extended warranty on my 1978 Volare. Ain’t gonna miss her a-tall.

Ike. “Sealed for your protection.”

Irv. What’s that, Ike?

Ike. I ain’t gonna miss them pill bottles where they have a plastic thing on the outside that says “Sealed for your protection,” an’ it takes like fifteen minutes to get through the dang thing, an’ then you get the cap off an’ there’s another seal on the inside that says “Sealed again cause we just hate you.” Ain’t gonna miss them one little bit.

Irv. Oh, yeah, ain’t gonna miss those. An’ airports.

Ike. What about airports?

Irv. Just airports. Ain’t gonna miss ’em. Ain’t gonna miss Twitter, neither.

Ike. Yeah, like no more havin’ to reduce your most exalted thoughts to the dimensions of a bumper sticker. Didn’t like Twitter, not a bit.

Irv. Facebook, too. Don’t care if I never see another breakup play out on social media for the rest of my natural life.

Ike. An’ printer cartridges. I mean, you print twelve pages in nothin’ but black, an’ then the printer won’t print cause it’s out of magenta. What is up with that?

Irv Auto-Tune. Ain’t gonna miss it. I mean, not every song has to sound like Jimmy Durante, am I right?


Ike. Ain’t gonna miss Schedule C.

Irv. Oh, yeah, I mean if we’d thought about how it would get rid of tax forms, we mighta pulled the plug on civilization a whole lot sooner.


Ike. Think there’ll be zombies?

Irv. Prolly just the crawly kind. Don’t have to shift much to get away from them.


Irv. Well, guess we better start learnin’ to do stuff the old-fashioned way. Pull down one o’ them souvenir country-kitchen recipe books an’ see if there’s a good recipe for Twinkies.

[Music: Dramatic theme, in and under for…]

Announcer. Will Irv and Ike be able to reproduce the authentic spongy texture of a Twinkie with only the materials available to them after an apocalyptic event? Tune in for next week’s action-packed episode of The Postapocalypticon! Till then, friends, remember to enjoy civilization while it lasts. Your Yohogania Electric Light Company burns trainloads of fossil fuels every day to keep the juice flowing in your home. Recent studies show that, at current rates of greenhouse-gas emission, our own tri-state area will become a post-apocalyptic hellscape within a few decades. That’s why you should enjoy your electric power now, while you still have time. Leave your lights blazing and your air conditioner humming, and make your world a cheerier place for however many years you have left.

[Music: In full, then out.]