Sir:

The world was appalled last year to learn that Elon Musk had passed Jeff Bezos as the richest man in the world. What has become of our civilization? Musk contributes nothing to our society except cutting our dependence on fossil fuels and advancing the frontiers of science. Bezos gives us consumer luxuries right on our doorstep!

We all know that the United States government grants no titles of nobility. My petition to amend the Constitution to drop that ridiculously archaic prohibition has so far fallen on deaf ears. A friend of mine suggested that maybe I should put it in writing or something if I’m going to circulate it at Gallaudet, but if those people can’t hear me shouting at the top of my lungs, whose fault is that? However, the American people have always had it in their power to grant the one title of nobility before which all other titled nobles grovel: I speak of the title of Richest Man in the World. For countless centuries men and women vied for titles of nobility based on ancestry or accomplishment, but it was left to our glorious republic to discover the one true source of human nobility: money.

Once we understand this principle, we must immediately grasp the vital importance of seeing to it that our honors are conferred only upon the worthy. We are Americans: we grant our titles by spending our money. We have it in our power to make sure the right man is ennobled. I personally pledge to take all the discretionary income I used to waste on local businesses and spend it on luxury goods from Amazon.com. Who is with me? Who will sign the pledge to buy nothing from Elon and everything from Jeff? Enough of us working together can reverse this injustice. Enough of us working together can make Jeff Bezos the richest man in the world once more.

Sincerely, Habakkuk Barton,
President & CEO,
The Barton Carton Co., Inc.
Makers of fine shipping cartons and mailers