Announcer: And now Business Records Consulting Services LLC, the new service that takes your business records where you’ll never have to see them again, presents…

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Announcer: The Adventures of Mush Marlow, Private Investigator!

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Announcer: Tonight we find Mush busy at his desk when his secretary Betty opens the door.

[Music: Fade. Sound: Door opening.]

Mush: This better be important, Betty. I’m reading Proust here.

Betty: There’s a lady here to see you.

Mush: I don’t know whether I have time to see any ladies. I was just getting to the exciting part.

Betty: Well, I think you’ll want to see her. She’s a knockout.

Mush: Oh, a boxer, huh?

Betty: No, I mean “knockout” as in the slang term for an unusually attractive woman. You know, the word you never use when you’re talking about me, for some reason.

Mush: Oh, you mean the kind with legs up to her hips?

Betty: And arms up to her shoulders.

Mush: What’s she look like, anyway?

Betty: Well, she has titian hair—

Mush: Titian? Isn’t that just a fancy word for “brown”?

Betty: Well, I think it means more russet. Cupreous. Auburn, maybe.

Mush: Isn’t that a city in upstate New York?

Betty: Yes, but it’s also a hair color.

Mush: They named a hair color after a city on Owasco Lake?

Betty: I don’t think the hair color was named for—

Mush: My uncle lived in Auburn. He used to go sailing on Owasco Lake, but he had grey hair. Almost white. Why didn’t they call that auburn hair, huh? It’s disrespectful to my uncle, that’s what it is.

Betty: Let’s just say her hair is reddish-brown. Do you think you can deal with reddish-brown?

Mush: Well, fine, so she’s got brown hair. Lots of women have brown hair. Why should I interrupt my Proust for brown hair?

Betty: She’s also got blue eyes.

Mush: Now we’re getting somewhere. And how’s she dressed?

Betty: She’s got on a violet taffeta gown, like she’s—

Mush: What’s “taffeta,” anyway? You women say these words when you talk about clothes, and I have no idea what they mean. I think you just make them up.

Betty: Okay, it’s silky. It’s silky and violet.

Mush: Is it violet like at the blue end of violet or violet like at the purple end of violet?

Betty: It’s violet. Why do you care what kind of violet it is?

Mush: I have to know whether it’s worth interrupting Proust for.

Betty: It’s a very expensive gown. I can tell you that much. She looks like she’s dressed for going to the opera, not for walking up two flights of stairs to a cheap detective’s office.

Mush: Maybe I won’t be cheap if she’s got that kind of money. Send her in.

Betty: Okay, boss.

[Sound: Footsteps in high heels, door opens and closes.]

Mush: Hate to interrupt my book, but I guess there’ll be time to find out what happens with those madeleines later.

[Sound: Door opens.]

Betty: Sorry, boss, but she left already.

Mush: Aha! So it’s a missing-persons case now! Call Lieutenant Baxter at the city police and tell him we’ve got a missing-persons case. Tell him to get over here right away so he can threaten to have my license if I don’t spill the beans, and I can play coy with him so he knows he’s being misled. Then put out my flask and my rubber-soled shoes. We’re on the case.

[Music: Theme, in and under for…]

Announcer: And so once again Mush Marlow finds himself hip-deep in titian-haired trouble. Tune in next week for more of the hard-boiled adventures of Mush Marlow, Private Investigator!

Now here’s a message for the busy executives in the audience. Are your business records piling up all over the office—on desks, on windowsills, in the bathroom, under the pool table? That’s when you know you need to call Business Records Consulting Services LLC. Business Records Consulting Services will take your business records away to an undisclosed location, and you’ll never have to look at them again. Then when some board member or government inspector or something asks you whether the legally mandated records for your business are being kept, you can confidently say, “Yes! As far as we know!” Call Business Records Consulting Services—so you can get back to business!

[Music: In full, then out.]