Sir: One of the candidates for governor in our Commonwealth has threatened to ban Pole dancing in schools if he is elected. This is yet another example of senseless discrimination against Polish-Americans, and yet another reason to vote Monarchist on election day. Poles may be the ones suffering now, but do not be so naive as to suppose that the Lithuanians will not be next. —Sincerely, Montgomery “Krakow Mack” MacWhortle, Shadow Minister for Education, Grand Duchy of Pennsylvania.

Sir: Why do you have a letters column, anyway? No one has time to read letters anymore, let alone write them. Open a Twitter account like everybody else, you lazy bum. —Sincerely, Parag Agrawal.

Sir: I take metaphorical pen in metaphorical hand to protest against the hidebound traditionalism of your publication. Every other magazine in the world dares to be different. Yours alone is the same. If you will not show some courage and stand up and be different like everybody else, I shall be forced to denounce you to my Norwegian elkhound Harald, who takes a very dim view of such things. —Sincerely, The Man at the Dog Park Yelling Into His Smartphone.


  1. RepubAnon says:

    Or convert to a carbon-fiber based data storage system, such as a typewriter and recycled paper…

  2. Charles Louis de Secondcat, Baron de La Brèed et de Montemeow says:

    As a dedicated Bonapartiste, I would like to point out that the Poles were worse than useless in the recapture of Saint-Domingue and generally useless as generals usually. Once we determine whether Prince Charles Napoleon or Prince Jean-Christophe Napoleon is The Napoleon* and restore him to his rightful place on the throne of the Louisianian Empire, all Poles should be immediately partitioned, as is their natural state. As my good friend Tabbeyrand often points out, how can you trust someone named Grabowski, Szymanski, or Jankowski anyway? Don’t they all sound suspiciously like villains in a Dicken’s novel? How do you account for THAT, Shadow Minister MacWhortle?

    *I suggest trial by pistols at ten paces or, if this is too ungentlemanly for their Bonapartenesses , trial by conquest of Egypt.

    *I suggest trial by pistols at ten paces or, if this is too ungentlemanly for their Bonapartenesses , trial by conquest of Egypt.

  3. Occasional Correspondent says:

    I often wonder at “hidebound” as a pejorative.  Should one prefer one’s hide unbound?  I certainly would prefer mine to remain attached and continue to bind up my innards — hideous red things in there, you know.

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