Sir: One of the candidates for governor in our Commonwealth has threatened to ban Pole dancing in schools if he is elected. This is yet another example of senseless discrimination against Polish-Americans, and yet another reason to vote Monarchist on election day. Poles may be the ones suffering now, but do not be so naive as to suppose that the Lithuanians will not be next. —Sincerely, Montgomery “Krakow Mack” MacWhortle, Shadow Minister for Education, Grand Duchy of Pennsylvania.
Sir: Why do you have a letters column, anyway? No one has time to read letters anymore, let alone write them. Open a Twitter account like everybody else, you lazy bum. —Sincerely, Parag Agrawal.
Sir: I take metaphorical pen in metaphorical hand to protest against the hidebound traditionalism of your publication. Every other magazine in the world dares to be different. Yours alone is the same. If you will not show some courage and stand up and be different like everybody else, I shall be forced to denounce you to my Norwegian elkhound Harald, who takes a very dim view of such things. —Sincerely, The Man at the Dog Park Yelling Into His Smartphone.