Sir: This morning I was driving through the Tubes when I happened to glance at the car to my left as it passed me (at quite a high rate of speed, I might add, which occasioned some squealing of brakes a few yards down), and what I noticed, specifically, was the license plate, which was one of those specialty plates on which the driver had chosen the letters to spell out something that indicated to the world his sense of what was vitally important in life. Specifically, the plate spelled out this slogan:


I was really delighted to see that someone cared deeply enough about my own favorite charity to specify a license plate with that slogan. In today’s world of rapid suburbanization, many droves of cattle have been left homeless, and drove fostering is more vital than ever. Nor should we forget the benefits for the fostererers. I mean the people doing the fostering. Cattle can be very affectionate animals, and of course, alternatively, they can be delicious. Either way, opening your pasture to a foster drove of homeless cattle can be a rewarding and indeed life-changing experience. I am absolutely sure about the life-changing part.

So I ask your readers, Won’t you please consider giving pasture space to a homeless drove of cattle today? And to that driver I saw in the Tubes this morning: I should like to offer you my sincere thanks for spreading the word about the homeless-cattle problem to all the morning commuters around you. But you might want to slow down a bit. You drive like a maniac.

—Sincerely, Albertina Cuyp, Dormont.


  1. KevinT says:

    Ms. Cuyp did not mention whether she noticed a fuzzy cubit hanging from the rearview mirror. If she had seen one, the vehicle’s driver was my neighbor. He flogs quantum computers and his personal tagline is “Derive Faster”.

  2. The Shadow says:

    I am quite certain that fostering a drove of cattle would be life-changing.

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