Announcer. And now Malt-O-Cod, the only malt food drink flavored with real cod-liver oil, presents…
(Music: Trumpet fanfare.)
Announcer. The Adventures of Dictionary Guy!
(Music: Sousa’s “Library of Congress” March, in full and under for…)
Announcer. Yes, it’s Dictionary Guy, the hero who knows what words mean and isn’t afraid to tell. With his trusty unabridged dictionary and his prep-school education, Dictionary Guy comes to the rescue whenever the English language is egregiously abused.
(Music: In full, then fade under…)
Announcer. Our story begins in the offices of Dynamitech, a medium-sized corporation that sells products and services. The working day is just getting under way, and Mary Lou and Fred, two ordinary hardworking employees, are hard at work on a product or service.
Mary Lou. All I’m saying is, it would make our jobs a little easier, that’s all. I could get the work done better, that’s what I mean, if they would just tell us whether we’re working on a product or a service.
Fred. Yes, but you know how Baker is. You’re not supposed to ask questions like that if you want to be a Team Player.
Mary Lou. I just want to know what sport we’re playing. If I’m on a football team and I’m playing hockey—
Fred. Heads up. Here comes Baker now.
Baker (entering). Hey, Mary Lou, and whatever your name is, I was just wondering if we were on the same page yet vis-a-vis the project to break down silos going forward.
Mary Lou. Uh… silos? You mean, like on a farm?
Baker. I mean that, you know, as a thought leader and cultural transformation steward, I was hoping to get your buy-in on some differentiated behaviors based off the paradigm-shift model I ran up the flagpole last week.
Mary Lou. I, um, think the custodian usually takes care of putting up the flag in the morning.
Fred. He means—
Baker. I was thinking we should take a deep dive into our core agilities and see what deliverables we could all bring to the table.
Mary Lou. Well, I suppose I could make cupcakes.
Baker. At the end of the day, my key focus is to impact collective growth from the top down, so if I have to think outside the box to move the needle, then I’ll leverage our touchpoints to drill down into our value add and synergize the layers of the onion.
Mary Lou. I don’t think you know what any of those words mean.
Fred. Uh, Mary Lou, I don’t think that’s a good—
Mary Lou. No, really, I think you’re just throwing buzzwords out at random. You’re egregiously abusing the English language.
(Music: Trumpet fanfare.)
Dictionary Guy. Hark! I hear a cry of distress from a literate citizen!
Fred. Who are you, and how did you get past security in that outfit?
Dictionary Guy. I am Dictionary Guy, and I have sworn to avenge crimes against the English language whenever they inconvenience citizens who abide by the laws of grammar. Behold my mighty unabridged dictionary, with which I foil any villain who speaks unintelligible jargon!
Mary Lou. I hope you won’t do anything drastic. I mean, my 401(k) is vested in two years.
Baker. Let’s circle back on the language question. That stuff isn’t in my wheelhouse, but I think we can ideate some solutional thinking if we can just be proximal and make sure we have the bandwidth to productize a results-oriented swimlane.
Dictionary Guy. Indeed? Take that, villain!
Sound: Loud thump, body falling.
Mary Lou. Well, gee, Dictionary Guy, you just clonked him on the head with that big old book.
Dictionary Guy. He had it coming to him.
Mary Lou. I mean, I thought maybe you’d look some of those words up in the dictionary and show him why he was wrong.
Dictionary Guy. Well, I don’t see how that would help now. Maybe when he wakes up.
Fred. Should I, like, dial 9-1-1?
(Music: “Library of Congress” March, in and under for…)
Announcer. And so once again Dictionary Guy foils a villain who would debase the language of Shakespeare and Milton. Meanwhile, kids, when it comes to malt food drinks, you know all the words you need to know. Malt-O-Cod is the name you trust. Look ’em up, kids—look up “malt,” and look up “cod.” But don’t look up “O,” because that would just be silly. That’s everything there is to know about Malt-O-Cod, now with the 469th edition of Noah Webster’s Grammatical Institute in every specially marked two-pound package! It’s the malt food drink that’s brain food—Malt-O-Cod!
(Music: In full, then out.)