We hit you on the head with a mallet: Back in 1867, our founder, Cyrus K. Hammerkopf, started this business with nothing but a dream and a quarter-million dollars he had inherited from his Aunt Lucinda. His dream was to create the finest hit-you-on-the-head-with-a-mallet service in the world, with no corners cut and a religious devotion to customer service. Today our numerous imitators are sincere testimony to the perfection of the Hammerkopf method, but no imitator can match the 167 years of experience that go into every genuine Hammerkopf hit-you-on-the-head-with-a-mallet experience.


  1. Occasional Correspondent says:

    Didn’t Hammerkopf supply the mallets to all the best cartoons?

  2. tom says:

    Ah for those good old days when conflict resolution had a more . . . physical aspect than just talking things over. Some say that a bloody nose was just as effective, though more ephemeral.

  3. Dutch 1960 says:

    Greetings from the ad copy world of 2034.

  4. marketing says:

    If their mascot is not the hammerhead shark, it should be.

  5. And if you’re unsure how to go about getting hit on the head with a mallet, I’m sure the good folks at Hammerkopf will direct you to the Monty Python Argument Clinic, which runs a profitable side business in “Getting Hit on the Head” Lessons.

  6. RepubAnon says:

    In one of Terry Pratchett’s DiscWorld stories, he mentioned the concept of retrophrenology. Phrenology assumes that the shape of one’s skull, including the various bumps, is directly associated with one’s mental traits. Retrophrenology assumes that, by using strategically placed hits on a patient’s head, one can change the patient’s mental traits to those correlated to the resulting cranial lumps.

    One wonders whether the good folks at Hammerkopf are practitioners of this art.

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