Attention all consumers: It has been brought to our attention (we promised to keep our informant, Ms. Angelina Rockbottom of Emsworth, Pennsylvania, anonymous) that certain consumers of over-the-counter medications have been taking pink pills to treat insomnia instead of blue pills. This is in clear violation of the directions printed clearly on the box, or rather on the underside of the label affixed to the box with cyanoacrylate adhesive, or (in newer batches) on the head of the pin stuck through the box, which clearly state that pink pills are for the treatment of allergies. Some guilty parties have attempted to extenuate their misdeeds by claiming that pink pills contain the exact same active ingredient as blue pills, and in exactly the same dosage, and that the pink pills are more widely available at a lower cost per pill. All this is true, but it is missing the point. Pink pills are pink. Pink is not the color of sleep. Blue is the color of sleep. Marketing experts here at Jenkins, Lambkin & Jenkins Pharmaceuticals spent many millions of dollars and drank scores of martinis determining the correct color for sleeping pills, and it is not pink. It is blue. We are issuing this friendly warning now because federal prisons are quickly filling up with pink-pill abusers, and it would be just as well if you were not among them. So please, follow the instructions on the label. And report pink-pill abusers to Jenkins, Lambkin & Jenkins’ National Pink Pill Abuse Hotline at 1-888-JLJ-PILL.


  1. Ah, diphenhydramine. Whether taking the allergy verion, the sleeping-pill version, or the sleeping-pill-plus-painkiller-and-fever-reducing version, don’t exceed the recommended dosage, or you might end up like I once did, falling asleep with my eyes open in the middle of mass and hallucinating giant locusts crawling up and down the altar screen.

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