By Nergal-Sharezer the Rabmag.

The stars are in a peculiar alignment right now, with Mercury in the House of Blues and Jupiter up to his usual tricks with various celestial bodies, and under these circumstances it is advisable to moderate your expectations for the new year. Fortunately, the stars have spared you the trouble of making resolutions for yourself, and you would be wise to adopt their custom-tailored suggestions.

Capricorn. You resolve to eat only steel cans this year. Aluminum disagrees with you.

Aquarius. You know that bottled water you keep buying? It’s not monitored by the government, and it all comes out of a rusty spigot in Jacksonville, North Carolina. You resolve to drink nothing but Pittsburgh city water from now on.

Pisces. You resolve to eat more chicken. Other people ought to be eating more fish, but for you that would sort of qualify as cannibalism.

Aries. You resolve to wear more tweed. Tweed is always in good taste, and it wears well.

Taurus. The stars are particularly keen on having you resolve to avoid china shops.

Gemini. The stars think you ought to get out more. They suggest square dancing. You meet all kinds of people when you go square dancing.

Cancer. You resolve to follow your mother’s advice about not saying anything if you can’t say something nice. Crabbiness is funny in comic-strip characters. You just annoy people.

Virgo. You resolve to eat more vegetables, and you resolve to remember that Theobroma cacao is a member of the vegetable kingdom.

Libra. The stars say it’s a cliché to resolve to lose weight for the new year. Instead, you resolve to patronize that nice Uzbek restaurant that just opened two blocks away.

Scorpio. According to Wikipedia, your colors are red, maroon, black, and brown. The stars think you should resolve to put together a more cheerful wardrobe.

Sagittarius. You resolve to support Nergal-Sharezer the Rabmag on Patreon. Somebody has to do it, and the other eleven have been slacking off.