1. Meats and seafood. Meat-processing plants are havens for listeria, a bacterium that makes its home in meat and reacts violently to home invasions. Seafood is simply meat grown underwater.
2. Dairy products. Salmonella, which is basically murder in bacterial form, can infest milk, cheese, and other dairy products, rendering them unsafe for human consumption. Stay away.
3. Eggs. Eggs can not only be infected with salmonella but can also transmit bird flu, which is especially dangerous for people who eat like a bird.
4. Plant-based foods. Plants are the most frequent carriers of E. coli, which is fatal in four out of five serialized television dramas. Avoid vegetables, fruits, grains, and fungi, which count as plants for the purpose of food-risk awareness.
5. Salt. Salt is collected either from the sea, which is full of pollution and dead fish, or from the ground, which is nothing but pure dirt. Yeah, right, like I’m going to put that in my mouth.