Briggs’ Patent Mote-Magnifying Glasses. See the mote in your neighbor’s eye clearly and offer him the help he obviously needs.

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50-Caliber 6-Inch Mosquito Eliminator. Solves mosquito problems expeditiously and permanently. Accurate aim in the hands of a skilled operator. Reloads in minutes.

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Excelsior Bicycle Trap. Harmlessly traps bicycles and their riders for safe release in the wild.

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Talking Bust of President McKinley. Repeats “The mission of the United States is one of benevolent assimilation” until you switch it off (off switch located on back of head, activated by sound thwack).

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Dual-Action Snow-Removal System. Removes snow by scraping it from the ground and by accelerating global warming.