Sir: It is high time we reined in these out-of-control cops. Just yesterday one of them gave me a speeding ticket yet again, just because I was doing 67 in a 15-mile-per-hour school zone. Of course I never actually pay these speeding tickets, because that would just be a waste of money that I could more profitably spend on cigarettes, but still the annoyance of having to stop for five or ten minutes and say “Yeah, yeah,” over and over again is more than enough to make me say the police need to be put under stricter supervision.

What these cops fail to realize is that the laws do not apply to me, because I am better than other people. I don’t mean I’m a better driver than most people; that goes without saying, since everyone I know is a better driver than most people. And anyway, I took out my muffler long ago so people could hear me coming, and most of those kids got out of the way in time. No, I simply mean that I am a higher class of human being. I am a patriot, which you can tell because I have not one but two American flags flying from my vehicle. I am a Christian, and the right kind of Christian, not the kind who gives free food to worthless layabouts, but the kind who believes in kicking a homeless person for Jesus. I mean, would Jesus go around handing out bread and fish to people he didn’t even know? And I even have a “Support Your Police” sticker on my back window, because I believe in law and order for inferior people.

But where law and order go wrong is when cops start thinking the law applies to people like me. So what I propose is a civilian review board, made up of course of the right kind of civilians—good, honest people who own large, loud cars and don’t slow other people down just because there’s a bunch of stupid kids with backpacks in the street. And I propose that this board should wield both a carrot and a stick. It should use the stick to wallop bad cops who pull good people over, but it should use the carrot to poke them in sensitive spots.

Meanwhile, since we just had an election, we’ve got a bunch of fresh-faced newbies coming into our councils and our legislatures who are looking for ways to be useful. So write your city councilperson, your state representative, and your prothonotary, and tell them these cops have to be brought under control. —Sincerely, Bubba “Howard” Mangle, Lincoln Place.