TAKE ONE TEASPOON of sugar and wave it under the nose repeatedly until the hiccups cease.

Recite the Gettysburg Address backwards, translating into Finnish as you go. When you reach the beginning, the hiccups will be gone.

Hold your head in your hands and rock back and forth for several minutes, moaning.

Contract a more serious disease, thus giving the body something else to entertain itself with.

Pinch the upper part of the nose, tilt the head backward, and count to thirty-seven. If you forget to stop and go beyond thirty-seven, begin again.

Play “Rose of Washington Square” on the banjo as fast as you possibly can.

Read Lord Lytton’s Devereux.

Sneeze repeatedly. This strategy usually takes the hiccups by surprise.