No. 14 in a Series of 253,486.

HEAL-ALL (Prunella vulgaris). This exceedingly common herb, as its name implies, will heal every known disease. Indeed it will heal unknown diseases as well, for there are no limitations specified in its common name. Nor are its healing powers limited to diseases. Every known affliction—broken bones, broken hearts, bruises, clumsiness, concussions, stubbed toes—can be cured by a simple application of Prunella: such is the power necessarily implied by its universally accepted appellation. For this reason, the newly proposed Alternative Universal Health-Care Extension Program, in contrast to the current government’s expensive and untried proposal, would consist entirely of the distribution of monthly rations of Heal-All to persons too poor to afford comprehensive health insurance.

It may be asked, Where is the scientific evidence to support the claim that Prunella vulgaris can indeed heal every known affliction? To which Dr. Boli replies, Do you really desire that public policy shall be decided by the scientific method—by a heartless examination of facts and experimental outcomes? Or would you not rather prefer that public policy should be determined as it always has been throughout the history of our great nation, through empty rhetoric, irrelevant emotional appeals, and outright lies?

The question answers itself when posed in that fashion. Only a foolhardy radical would discard more than two centuries of tradition in favor of some chimerical notion of evidence-based policy. Every standard that is good and true and patriotic supports the use of Heal-All as an effective health-care program, and if you insist on cold and clinical scientific rigor then you have not an American heart.

In traditional herbal astrology, Heal-All is governed by the planet Mongo.