Posts by Dr. Boli
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From the Startpage search engine. Reproduced for the purpose of commentary and mocking and fair-usey things like those.
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COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU.
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
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THE YINZER BIBLE.
And She done him good and not harm all the days of her life.
From DR. BOLI’S UNABRIDGED DICTIONARY.
Salsify (verb).—To make into salsa. “We have a lot of tomatillos left over from the garden. We might as well salsify them.”
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: Why are stupid people so angry all the time? Honestly, it just makes me want to punch them. —Sincerely, Spud, the bouncer at Krzrnski’s Cafe.
Dear Sir: Stupid people are angry because they believe, incorrectly of course, that they are more intelligent than the people around them, and that the world is in the mess it is in (stupid people are always convinced that the world is in a mess) because other people are too stupid to see the trivially obvious solutions to all our problems. The stupidity of other people is an inconvenience to people of obviously superior intelligence, such as you, but since the others are too stupid to see their own stupidity, they lash out in rage and sometimes violence against the people whom they perceive as being stupidly responsible for all the annoyances of their lives.
What can be done about it? The only solution would be to make the people around you less stupid. Start by teaching them to read Latin at least at the Caesar’s Commentaries level. Dr. Boli takes it for granted that a person of your obvious intelligence would have no trouble passing on some of his skills to the benighted mob surrounding him, and then the world would be in less of a mess, wouldn’t it?
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
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Condiment-hater.
Dear Dr. Boli: What’s Greek philosophy all about? My professor at Yohogania Community College wants an essay on “what Greek philosophy was all about,” and she says it has to be at least 250 words. She said we should read some Greek philosophy to get some idea, but I have a medical condition that prevents me from caring, so I was wondering if you could, like, summarize it for me. —Sincerely, Alison.
Dear Miss: The main subject of Greek philosophy is the morality of condiments. Other topics come up from time to time, such as batty theories of astronomy and the important question of whether certain human beings are slaves by nature or by happenstance. But if you read any Greek philosophy at all, you will see that the conversation keeps coming back around to condiments. The number of pentasyllabic Greek words devoted to the issue of condiment morality outweighs the number of words devoted to any other subject in Greek philosophy, so you need only think of 249 other words to put the word “condiments” in some sort of context, and your essay will be finished.