Posts by Dr. Boli

McGUFFIN’S SURREALIST PRIMER.

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căt • băt • hăt • măn′•gĕl•wu̇r′•zĕl • hăʂ • ȧ•lăs′

A cat.

A bat.

The cat has the bat.

The bat has a hat.

Has the bat a mangelwurzel?

Alas! The mangelwurzel has no hat!

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Enter your grapefruit in the Duck Hollow Museum of Art International Grapefruit Pageant, a new work of metaconceptual counterperformance art conceived by artist Rupert Slackstripe, who painted Cirencester beige. Winning grapefruit will be exhibited at major art museums throughout North America. Losers will be juiced. Contact Duck Hollow Museum of Art care of this magazine and provide head shots of the grapefruit facing camera and in profile.

ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.

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On this day in 1838, John Wilkes Booth, the famous actor, was born. His assassination of President Lincoln in 1865 was widely considered the worst thing an actor had ever done until the advent of Nicholas Cage.

RECENTLY DISCOVERED HITTITE INSCRIPTION.

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I am King Warpalarpa of Tuwanuwa, the father of nations, the blessed of Tarhunna, and my name is not funny at all.

And my father King Tappalappa of Tuwanuwa reigned before me, and he was gathered to his fathers, and I sat on the throne of my fathers and I said, I am King Warpalarpa of Tuwanuwa. And my brother was named Wopolopo, and behold, he said that my name was funny. And I slew him and his retainers, and I held the throne of my fathers.

And there came to me the ministers of my father, and they said, Rule wisely and well, for you must know that you have a funny name. And I slew them, and I held the throne of my fathers.

And there came to me the priests of Tarhunna, and they said, Behold, we are not as your father’s ministers; we will not laugh at your funny name. And I slew them, for that they had said my name was funny, though they had not laughed, and I held the throne of my fathers.

And there came to me the chief men of Tuwanuwa, and they said, O father of nations, blessed of Tarhunna, behold, we are your servants. And I saw that they were stifling giggles, though they had not spoken my name. And I slew them, and my name is not funny at all, and I held the throne of my fathers.

And I heard distant laughter in Tuwanuwa, and I knew that the people had called my name funny. And I burned the city with fire and leveled it with things that flatten, and the people perished, and behold, they knew that my name is not funny at all. And there was none left, yea not one, and no one said that my name was funny, and I held the throne of my fathers.

And I lifted this stone with my own hands and set it for a memorial, that the world may know my deeds. And I, King Warpalarpa of Tuwanuwa, the father of nations, the blessed of Tarhunna, have inscribed these words with my own hand, and my name is not funny at all.

I THINK THAT I SHALL NEVER SEE,

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by Irving Vanderblock-Wheedle.

Westward the willows whisper;
     Southward the sycamore;
Eastward the elms grow crisper;
     Northward the banyans roar.

Upward the birch-tree reaches;
     Downward the cypress digs;
Leftward is loud with beeches;
     Rightward is fraught with figs.

Inward the linden grumbles;
     Outward the locust flails;
Softly the sago stumbles;
     Hardly the hemlock hails.

Often the dogwood stammers;
     Seldom the cypress bends;
Always the hornbeam hammers;
     Never the redwood ends.

IN THE NEWS.

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The premiere episode of Nuance Guy, the Dumont Network series in which professor of history Dr. Orwin Thale explains the complexities on both sides of a hot political issue, succeeded in bringing America together and erasing decades of entrenched political division. The studio audience had been deliberately chosen to represent the extremes of the right and left, but only three and a half minutes into Dr. Thale’s exposition of the complex history of the abortion debate, the entire audience rose as one and began to pummel him with chairs, fists, camera equipment, and any other available blunt instruments.

“We learned a valuable lesson tonight,” said Winifred Planken, chair of the Progressive Caucus in the General Assembly. “Left or right, Democrat or Republican, progressive or conservative, we all really hate anyone who tries to make us see the complexities of an issue.”

“Amen to that, sister,” added Leopold Blanch, president of John Birch Society Local No. 27.

According to reports from local affiliates, after the episode aired, mobs of Socialist Workers and Proud Boys formed spontaneous vigilante committees all over the country to round up anyone suspected of moderatism.

Currently on hiatus, Nuance Guy will resume taping when Dr. Thale is released from the rehabilitation hospital. The next episode will be a fair and measured presentation of both sides of the Sheetz vs. Wawa question.

ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.

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On this day in 1992, the Twenty-Seventh Amendment to the United States Constitution came into force after completing the usual 202½-year ratification process. When great legal minds speak of acting “with all deliberate speed,” this is the sort of thing they mean.