Posts by Dr. Boli

REFINED EMOJIS.

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When ordinary emojis are insufficient to express the nuances of your reactions to content published on social media, you can employ these refined emojis, which come to us courtesy of an unknown sculptor who decorated the Western Theological Seminary in Pittsburgh in 1912.

Stayed up all night

“I had to stay up all night, but I finally figured out what makes the dark so big.”

It figures

“It figures.”

Drugs never did me any harm

“Aw, don’t worry about it. Drugs never did me any harm.”

Uh… whut?

“Uh… whut?”

MRS. CHESWICK’S EDUCATIONAL STORIES FOR CHILDREN.

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No. 118.—The Gopher.

Once upon a time there was a gopher. Actually it was a groundhog, or a woodchuck. I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing, but I don’t know whether a gopher is the same thing as a groundhog. Or a woodchuck. I’m leaning toward saying that it is, but I know someone is going to look it up in Wikipedia and prove me wrong. I suppose I could look it up in Wikipedia first and forestall all that, but then I’d never get my story done, would I? So there was this gopher. Or groundhog. And there was also another groundhog or gopher. So anyway, the first one said to the second, “Hey, what’s that stuff on the back of your neck?” And the second one said, “That’s fur.” And the first one said, “Oh, I see. Do I have fur, too? Because I never see the back of my own neck.” And the second one said, “Yes, you have fur, and if you wanted to see it, I could take a picture of the back of your neck with my cell phone.” And the first one said, “Well, that sounds like a good idea, because then I would be able to see the back of my neck.” You see, groundhogs don’t have mirrors, so they can’t usually see the backs of their necks. Though come to think of it, they couldn’t see the backs of their necks even if they did have a mirror, could they? Well, I suppose maybe if they had two mirrors. I’ve never seen the back of my neck in the mirror, but I’m pretty sure I have a neck. So anyway, the first gopher took a picture of the back of the second one’s neck. No, I’m sorry, it was the second one who had the cell phone, and he took a picture of the first one’s neck. I think. And then the first one looked at the picture and said, “Well, my neck looks pretty much like yours. I guess we all look alike, neckwise.” And the second gopher said, “Not Willoughby over there, because he had an unfortunate encounter with a lawn mower, although the lawn mower came out of it worse than he did.” So anyway, that’s how the two groundhogs learned to be careful of lawn mowers, which was a good lesson for them, and I hope you learn it too some day. And Willoughby lived happily ever after in spite of his bald spot, so don’t feel sorry for him. So that’s our story of the two woodchucks, and I hope we all learned our lesson from it. Next week I’ll tell you the story of the family of barn swallows and how they learned to beware of telephone scammers. Till then, this is your old friend Mrs. Cheswick saying I hope you all listen to your parents and don’t go reporting them to Children and Youth Services just because they left you locked in a hot car and you came down with heat stroke, because really you were fine in a couple of days.

ASK DR. BOLI.

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A costume called “The Bell”

Dear Dr. Boli: Why is there fashion? —Sincerely, Naomi Campbell.

Dear Madam: Fashion exists so that we will throw away our clothes before we have a chance to complain about how shoddily they are made.

Dr. Boli does not participate in fashion. He stopped buying suits in 1874. Up to that point, he had bought only the best suits from the best tailors, and they wear well. He is running low on collars, however, and finding them hard to replace, since, contrary to his expectations, the fad for shirts with collars sewn on seems to have some lasting power.

LETTER TO THE EDITOR.

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Sir: Do you know what’s wrong with the world today? I’ll tell you what’s wrong with the world today. People keep telling us what’s wrong with the world today, but they never do anything about it.

Take these kids today. Everyone knows what’s wrong with them: they’re always fiddling with their phones, posting on social media and texting their friends and taking pictures of things and suchlike, instead of sitting inert in front of the television like I did when I was their age.

Yes, everybody knows it, but nobody does anything about it!

Well, I’m doing something. I’ve built a reeducation camp on my mountain property near Wheeling, and every time I come across one of these kids who are more interested in their phone screens than they are in me, I bonk the said kid on his head and carry him off to camp to be educated. Now, I know what you’re thinking, but most of them come around just fine after the bonk, and the ones who don’t weren’t much use to anyone anyway.

So, you see, I’m doing my bit to save the coming generation from themselves. But I could use some help. First of all, I can only bonk so many, and it would help if other patriotic citizens would follow my example, until we can truly say we have left no teenager unbonked. But secondly, I have about a gross of kids in an undisclosed location, and any donations of canned goods and non-perishable foods would be appreciated. Thank you very much for giving me the forum to announce my message of hope for the future.

Sincerely,
Gaston de Bonque,
Edgeworth

ASK DR. BOLI.

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Dear Dr. Boli: I saw this terra-cotta ornament on an old school on Neville Island, and I wondered whether you, with your iconographical expertise, could explain the symbolism to me. —Sincerely, A Pedestrian.

Dear Sir or Madam: With pleasure. This image, commonly employed at the entrance to a school, represents the torch of learning and the book of fire-safety protocols.