Posts by Dr. Boli

LETTER TO THE EDITOR.

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Sir: It is plain to the veriest dunce that our current energy reserves will not last forever. We have only so much coal and so much oil under the ground, because there are only so many carbonized ancient forests waiting to be dug up.

Faced with the certain dwindling of our fossil-fuel supplies, some industries have turned to alternative sources of power. But this is only putting off the inevitable. What happens when we have sucked all the sunlight into our solar cells? Worse, what happens when we suffocate ourselves by sucking up all the air in our giant wind turbines? Then what? We are back to our fossil fuels.

We must find a truly sustainable source of energy, and there is clearly only one choice. We must make more fossil fuels. In this matter our government has been inexcusably inactive. It is therefore incumbent upon us, the private citizens, to take matters into our own hands. I therefore address the citizens of the United States, and indeed the world, directly: Bury a tree in your back yard today! If you do not have a back yard, bury a tree in someone else’s. Explain, if challenged, that you have the well-being of all our great-grandchildren in mind. —Sincerely, Gustavus H. Steinkohle, M.D., Swisshelm Park.

ECCLESIASTICAL FORMS OF ADDRESS.

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Roman Catholic Deacon

Third Person: The Somewhat Reverend [Name]
Second Person: Hey, you, over there, with the turtleneck

Roman Catholic Priest

Third Person: The Reverend Father [Name]
Second Person: Um, you’re, like, a priest, right?

Presbyterian or Reformed Minister

Whatever you were predestined to call him or her

Eastern Orthodox Archimandrake

Third Person: The Very Reverend Father [Name]
Second Person: What? Oh, sorry, I was sure you said “mandrake”

Roman Catholic Bishop

Third Person: The Right Reverend [Name]
Second Person: Your Excellency

Lefebvrist Bishop

Third Person: The Wrong Reverend [Name]
Second Person: Please don’t hurt me

Lutheran Bishop

Third Person: What, we have bishops?
Second Person: No, really, nobody told me we had bishops

Roman Catholic Archbishop

Third Person: The Most Reverend [Name]
Second Person: Archie

Anglican Archbishop of Canterbury (or York)

Third Person: The Awfully Reverend and Particularly Honorable Lord Archbishop of York (or Canterbury)
Second Person: What Ho, Old Chap

Roman Catholic Pope

Third Person: The Ultra-Reverend Francis, Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the Vatican City State, Servant of the Servants of God
Second Person: Frank

FUN FACTS ABOUT THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE.

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Thomas Jefferson’s first draft of the Declaration included as one of the grievances, “He has compelled Gentlemen to wear ridiculous Mats of Horse-hair upon their Heads.”

John Hancock signed his name very large so that (according to legend) King George could read it without his spectacles; but in fact George was under the impression that he had received a letter from one Jim Hencook, and was never able to make it past the preamble.

The Continental Congress adopted the Declaration of Independence on July 2, 1776; but after the celebratory drinking, it took the delegates two days to wake up and remember what they had done.

Jefferson wrote all the drafts of the Declaration himself, but for the final fair copy he relied upon Miss Bessie Witherstalk, fifth-grade penmanship champion at the West Philadelphia Friends’ School.

Lord North’s only recorded remark upon reading the American colonists’ Declaration of Independence was “If this is a joke, it’s in d——d bad taste.”