Posts by Dr. Boli
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
THE TELEPHONE RINGS…
The telephone rings, and because his secretary is nowhere to be found (one must remember to look in the library later this afternoon and make sure none of the shelves have fallen down on the poor man), Dr. Boli answers it himself.
“Hello,” says a recorded voice. It continues in slow, measured tones, with unusually long spaces between the words: “I am calling on behalf of the Salvation Army, because we have a desperate need of gently used men…”
Dr. Boli immediately thought of his secretary, although an appraiser might say that the man is in fair condition at best. But then the voice continued:
“…women…”
Dr. Boli has no women to give away at the moment. His housekeeper is absolutely essential to the daily operation of the household, and Mrs. Boli—whom he believes to be in the north wing, although he has not gone looking for her there recently—would object to being termed “used” at all.
“…and children’s clothing and shoes for our stores in southwestern Pennsylvania.”
Well, this explains it. Apparently the way the scheme works is this: you donate your used goods, and then the Salvation Army sells them at bargain prices to fund its charitable work. This sounds like an excellent idea, and Dr. Boli will direct his valet to set aside a few morning coats that are no longer strictly in fashion. The next time you have need of any clothing or help around the house, you would do well to think of the Salvation Army’s slave auction and clothing sale. It is, we are assured, for a good cause.
HOW TO BE POPULAR.
By far the most popular article Dr. Boli has printed since moving to this address is the little collection of typographic specimens from the catalogue of Palmer & Rey. This observation confirms what he has always suspected, which is that the Internet would much prefer it if he stopped writing original articles altogether and devoted his pages to other people’s work presented in snippets small enough to qualify as “fair use.” The Internet, however, cannot always have what it wants. Like a spoiled child, it must occasionally be made to eat its vegetables.
From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION,
Second Series.
Smile. Physiognomical research has determined that, although it takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, the most efficient expression of all is complete indifference.
Advertisement.
MORE SURREALISM FROM SPECIMEN BOOKS.
Dr. Boli has already remarked on the surreal poetry of certain specimen books issued by typefounders in the 1800s. Here are a few more examples, from a specimen book issued by Palmer & Rey in 1892:
—
And, by the way, to show that some advertising techniques have not changed in 122 years:
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION,
Second Series.
The Triumph of St. Thomas Aquinas, by Filippino Lippi.
Thomas Aquinas. St. Thomas Aquinas was known for his ability to sit for hours with his body in the chair and his head in the clouds. Today any cubicle-dweller can do the same, but in his time the feat was so extraordinary that pious memory magnified it into the legend that he could bilocate.
Advertisement.
THE AMUSING PARANOIA OF SITTING BULL.
The portrait above (from Frank Leslie’s Illustrated Newspaper, September 22, 1883) is taken from a photograph of Sitting Bull as he appeared at the celebrations for the laying of the cornerstone of the new capitol for the Dakota territory in Bismarck. At this time he was living under a sort of lightweight house arrest, described as an “amnesty,” at Standing Rock. In the accompanying article, the reporter remarks with wry amusement, “He is very fearful of some plot to spirit him away, in violation of his amnesty, and it was with great difficulty that the Indian agent at Standing Rock induced him to go to Bismarck to attend the ceremonies at the laying of the corner stone of the Capitol.” Seven years later, the Indian agent at Standing Rock decided to arrest Sitting Bull (on the grounds that he might possibly do something nasty at some point in the future) and spirit him away, in violation of his amnesty. Sitting Bull was killed when his friends resisted his arrest. Life is funny that way.