Posts by Dr. Boli
HOW WILL HEALTH-CARE REFORM AFFECT YOU?
In celebration of his sixth anniversary on the World-Wide Web, Dr. Boli is reprinting a few of his favorite articles from the past six years. This one first appeared on March 22nd, 2010.
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YOU WILL NOT die. Your health-insurance company is now obliged to keep you alive forever.
If you have a pre-existing condition, such as asthma or clumsiness, your name will be entered in the Pre-Existing Conditions Registry, and you are eligible for free ice cream.
The Communists who have been living under your bed since 1947 will come out of hiding and ask you whether Fred Allen is still on the radio, confirming all your darkest suspicions at once.
If you cannot afford private health insurance, the government will pay for your health care, but your doctor will be required to treat you with thinly disguised contempt.
Wealthy customers will now be offered the choice of health insurance in several designer colors.
Doctors who own two-seater BMW coupes will be required to trade them in for more sensible four-door BMW sedans.
If you are a health-insurance executive, you will somehow get richer.
USEFUL ENGLISH PHRASES FOR VISITORS FROM FOREIGN LANDS.
No. 2.—At the Home for the Incurably Insane.
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Good morning.
Good afternoon.
Good evening.
It is a fine day today.
It is indeed a fine day, and I shall send a telegram to that effect to the Washington Post.
It is indeed a fine day, which is all the worse for you, my fair maiden.
It is not a fine day, and stating that it is will be considered an act of war against the Kingdom of Bavaria.
What would you like to do today?
Would you like to participate in some of the organized activities?
Would you like to gather weasels by the flowing stream?
Would you like to compose a roundelay with me?
The King of Bavaria presents his compliments, and inquires whether you would like to dance the Lindy Hop with him.
I would be delighted to dance the Lindy Hop with you, because I am in fact Charles Lindbergh.
It is not my custom to dance the Lindy Hop in months with no R.
I would dance the Lindy Hop with you, but sadly I have no umbrella.
My room is a very poor vintage, and I should like a better one.
My room is entirely adequate, and I despise adequacy.
My room is in Luxembourg; could you please retrieve it?
My room is not visible to the naked eye.
Is it Tuesday today?
Will it be Tuesday tomorrow as well?
It is Tuesday today, and it will be Tuesday tomorrow as well.
It is Tuesday today, but I am sorry to inform you that it will never be Tuesday again.
It has always been Tuesday.
Would you care to sup with me?
Would you care to dine on moonbeams and breakfast on emeralds?
The food here is appallingly Latvian.
The food here is edible, and so are the curtains.
I have not eaten food since the Ultramontanes came to power.
Do you speak English?
I do not speak English, and neither do you.
I would speak English if I were properly rewarded.
I am not satisfied with English, and have therefore invented my own language. Lunmer wandel plebrus kwokum sfat.
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FUNNY PAGES.
THE ART OF NAPKIN-FOLDING.
NOW AVAILABLE.
THE LONG DAY.
In celebration of the sixth anniversary of his move to the World-Wide-Web, Dr. Boli is reprinting some of his favorite articles from the past six years.
N.B.—Dr. Boli has designed this story for beginning readers. It uses a limited, but unpredictable, vocabulary, and is well suited to early reading lessons.
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A man and a cat sat on the grass.
“It is a hot day,” said the cat.
“No, it is cold,” said the man.
“I say it is hot,” said the cat.
“I say it is cold,” said the man.
“Let us ask the dog,” said the cat.
So they asked the dog, “Is it a hot day or a cold day?”
The dog said, “It is a red day.”
“I say it is hot,” said the cat.
“I say it is cold,” said the man.
“I say it is red,” said the dog.
“Let us ask the cow,” said the cat.
So they asked the cow, “Is it a hot day, or a cold day, or a red day?”
The cow said, “It is a sharp day.”
“I say it is hot,” said the cat.
“I say it is cold,” said the man.
“I say it is red,” said the dog.
“I say it is sharp,” said the cow.
“Let us ask the sheep,” said the cat.
So they asked the sheep, “Is it a hot day, or a cold day, or a red day, or a sharp day?”
The sheep said, “It is a round day.”
“I say it is hot,” said the cat.
“I say it is cold,” said the man.
“I say it is red,” said the dog.
“I say it is sharp,” said the cow.
“I say it is round,” said the sheep.
“Let us ask the goat,” said the cat.
So they asked the goat, “Is it a hot day, or a cold day, or a red day, or a sharp day, or a round day?”
The goat said, “It is a thick day.”
“I say it is hot,” said the cat.
“I say it is cold,” said the man.
“I say it is red,” said the dog.
“I say it is sharp,” said the cow.
“I say it is round,” said the sheep.
“I say it is thick,” said the goat.
“Let us ask the hen,” said the cat.
So they asked the hen, “Is it a hot day, or a cold day, or a red day, or a sharp day, or a round day, or a thick day?”
The hen said, “It is not a hot day, or a cold day, or a red day, or a sharp day, or a round day, or a thick day. It is not a day at all. Now it is night, and it is time to go to sleep.”
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INSTRUCTIONS FOR OPERATING THE PYRO-MATE WONDER MIDGET HOME & OFFICE FIRE EXTINGUISHER.
In celebration of the sixth anniversary of his move to the World-Wide-Web, Dr. Boli is reprinting some of his favorite articles from the past six years.
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1. ALWAYS call the fire department first. A fire, no matter how small, may spread out of your control more rapidly than you anticipate. A timely call to the fire department may spare you much disappointment later on in the process.
2. Once you have assured yourself that the fire department is on the way, retrieve the Pyro-Mate Wonder Midget Home & Office Fire Extinguisher from its handy Reddi-Stor wall-mounted storage bracket.
A. First grasp the locking clasp firmly with the left hand, making sure to hold the locking tab between thumb and forefinger.
B. Pull up and to the left.
C. With the right hand, hold down the retainer arm, gripping it at a point approximately two-thirds of its length away from the left-hand end.
D. Grasp the Pyro-Mate Wonder Midget Home & Office Fire Extinguisher firmly in the left hand and pull it straight up. DO NOT release the retainer arm until the Pyro-Mate Wonder Midget Home & Office Fire Extinguisher is completely free of the Reddi-Stor wall-mounted storage bracket.
E. Return the retainer arm to its normal position until such time as it becomes necessary to replace the Pyro-Mate Wonder Midget Home & Office Fire Extinguisher in the Reddi-Stor wall-mounted storage bracket.
3. Hold the Pyro-Mate Wonder Midget Home & Office Fire Extinguisher in an upright position. The words “Pyro-Mate Wonder Midget Home & Office Fire Extinguisher, Pyro-Mate Corp., Swissvale” should appear right-side-up on the right-hand side of the Pyro-Mate Wonder Midget Home & Office Fire Extinguisher. If the words “Pyro-Mate Wonder Midget Home & Office Fire Extinguisher, Pyro-Mate Corp., Swissvale” appear on the LEFT-hand side of the Pyro-Mate Wonder Midget Home & Office Fire Extinguisher, then the Pyro-Mate Wonder Midget Home & Office Fire Extinguisher is pointed toward you and will not extinguish the fire.
4. Carefully note the location of the fire. You may find that, by this time, the fire exists in more that one location.
5. Grasp the Insta-Lok locking pin firmly with the right hand and pull it straight toward you. Retain the Insta-Lok locking pin for future use: it will be necessary when returning the Pyro-Mate Wonder Midget Home & Office Fire Extinguisher to its Reddi-Stor wall-mounted storage bracket.
6. Turn the arming lever approximately 75 degrees counter-clockwise to the “READY” position.
7. Remove the childproof cap from the Pyro-Mate Wonder Midget Home & Office Fire Extinguisher nozzle:
A. While pushing in firmly, squeeze the sides of the cap at the points marked S.
B. Turn the cap counter-clockwise until the triangular arrows on the cap and the body of the nozzle are aligned.
C. Push the cap away from the nozzle with both thumbs, placing one thumb on each side of the triangular arrow on the cap. Retain the cap for future use.
D. Remove the foil seal imprinted “SEALED FOR YOUR PROTECTION.” If the seal is punctured or missing, DO NOT USE the Pyro-Mate Wonder Midget Home & Office Fire Extinguisher. Return the Pyro-Mate Wonder Midget Home & Office Fire Extinguisher to your Pyro-Mate dealer for a replacement.
8. Place the index finger of one hand firmly on the Power-Jet trigger, using the other hand to support the weight of the Pyro-Mate Wonder Midget Home & Office Fire Extinguisher.
9. By this time the fire department should have arrived and extinguished the fire. Replace the childproof cap on the Pyro-Mate Wonder Midget Home & Office Fire Extinguisher nozzle.
10. Turn the arming lever approximately 75 degrees clockwise to the “NOT READY” position.
11. Carefully replace the Insta-Lok locking pin in its locking position.
12. Replace the Pyro-Mate Wonder Midget Home & Office Fire Extinguisher on the Reddi-Stor wall-mounted storage bracket, reversing steps A through D in section 2.
13. Since the seal is now broken on the nozzle of your Pyro-Mate Wonder Midget Home & Office Fire Extinguisher, contact your Pyro-Mate dealer immediately to order a new Pyro-Mate Wonder Midget Home & Office Fire Extinguisher.