Posts by Dr. Boli

DR. BOLI’S CALENDAR FOR 2012.

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JANUARY.

Each sad attempt at snow so far has fizzled;
Each threatened blizzard proved to be a dud.
Instead of snow and ice, it only drizzled,
And all we have to show for it is mud.
But January’s young, and now it’s breezy,
Which makes us hope the weather’s turning freezy.

A LOOK BACK AT THE YEAR 2011.

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IT IS TRADITIONAL for publications such as this one to print a retrospective at the end of the year, as though by doing so we could somehow exorcise the demons of the old year and leave our tabula completely rasa for the new.

In JANUARY, our Practical Standard Letter-Writer demonstrated to the text-happy young people of today how they might offer their services in the neighborhood after an unexpected snowfall.

In FEBRUARY, the story of The Free Man entertained the youth of the English-speaking world, while at the same time slipping some wholesome disillusionment and cynicism under the door.

In MARCH, we learned about Reading Tea Leaves. For our canine readers, we also presented A Trivia Quiz for Your Dog.

In APRIL, answering the prayers of many in the swollen ranks of the unemployed, we published a number of suggested Answers to Common Job-Interview Questions. For the benefit of readers outside the United States, we also explained a few common Americanisms.

In MAY, we presented a list of Things to Do While Waiting for the Rapture. That the Rapture did not prove as inclusive as some might have liked can therefore probably be laid to Dr. Boli’s account.

In JUNE, the dear little ones among our readers were entertained, or not, with the story of Why the Osprey Has No Xylophone.

In JULY, the doubtable and redoubtable Admiral Hornswoggle brought us the thrilling tale of his adventure Becalmed in the Doldrums.

In AUGUST, we learned to make a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich. We were also favored with a look one hundred years into the future at The Astonishing World of Tomorrow.

In SEPTEMBER, our look at The Ninja on Japanese Art was unusually well received. Young readers, meanwhile, were treated to a tale from The Virtuous Child’s Story-Book.

In OCTOBER, lovers of the visual arts once again were moved by our tribute to The Magnificent Photography of Ansel Adams.

In NOVEMBER, we learned how to avoid the pointless drudgery of measuring everything we eat with Eyeball Portion Sizes. November also saw the publication of Dr. Boli’s Encyclopedia of Misinformation, bringing all the world’s misinformation between the covers of one portable volume for the first time in history.

In DECEMBER, we learned the awful secret of Smooth Jazz. And finally, also in December, we took A Look Back at the Year 2011, but we may be permitted to doubt whether it did us much good.

FROM THE MEMOIRS OF CARDINAL DE RETZ.

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THE FOLLOWING PASSAGE is newly translated from Book 2 of the Memoirs of Cardinal de Retz; it describes his crisis of conscience, so to speak, when he finds himself made coadjutor archbishop of Paris. A standard translation exists in English and can be found at Project Gutenberg; but that translation is so freely paraphrastic, and so readily drops entire phrases of considerable importance to the Cardinal’s meaning, that it gives but a poor impression of the original, which in fact is one of the most extraordinary passages in all literature. And if you ask why Dr. Boli should present this quotation now, the answer is that it has some bearing on a very interesting five-volume novel due to be published in the next year.

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As I was obliged to take orders, I made a retreat at Saint-Lazare, where externally I put on all the usual appearances. My internal occupation was a great and profound reflection on the manner in which I should conduct myself. It was very difficult. I found the archbishopric of Paris degraded in the eyes of the world by the basenesses of my uncle, and in the eyes of God by his negligence and incapacity. I foresaw infinite obstacles to its reestablishment; and I was not so blind as not to understand that the greatest and most insurmountable obstacle was within myself. It did not escape me how necessary regular morals are to a bishop. I felt that the scandalous disorder of those of my uncle made the necessity even stricter and more indispensable for me than for others; and I felt, at the same time, that I was not capable of it, and that all the obstacles of both conscience and honor that I could oppose to my failings would be only very shaky barriers.

After six days of reflection, I decided to do evil by design—which is without comparison the more criminal course before God, but which is without doubt the wiser before the world: both because in doing so one always puts precautions in place to cover part of it, and because by this means one avoids the most dangerous ridicule that can be encountered in our profession, which is that of mixing sin with devotion at just the wrong time.

This is the holy disposition with which I left Saint-Lazare.

 

ASK DR. BOLI.

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Edmund Spenser, whose touching tribute to his former teacher is often quoted.

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Dear Dr. Boli: What’s all this I hear about “Dan Chaucer, well of English undefyled”? I thought his name was Jeff. —Sincerely, W. W. Skeat.

Dear Sir: You are thinking of the poet Geoffrey Chaucer, who died in 1400. Daniel Chaucer taught creative writing at the Merchant Taylors’ School in London in the middle 1500s. He was reputed to be rather pedantic on questions of English usage.

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This article is printed in honor of the four hundredth birthday of Dr. Boli’s folio copy of Spenser’s works. When a book reaches the four-century mark, Dr. Boli believes it has earned a birthday tribute.